I am the parent of an almost adult – I am not entirely sure how that happened and when those millennium years whizzed by but they have. My own teen years don’t feel that long ago, certain memories are etched in my heart and brain like they were just a few years ago. My own age has never been an issue, turning 40 in April was no big deal but I am sure that my 18th birthday party was only a few years ago. I seem to have fallen into a time lapse somewhere.
I think I have been a pretty good parent and I am quite laid back, all probably helped by having a pretty average teen that so far hasn’t pushed too many boundaries. Letting her play out as she got older was not too bad, starting secondary school didn’t freak me out, giving her a house key didn’t panic me and the sleep overs, going on school trips I managed it all admirably.
I have always been happy with her friendship group, allowed her age appropriate freedom – I mean she heads off on the train to Bristol to go shopping, she goes out in the evenings and even stayed out until 2.30 on the night of her prom. Nothing has fazed me too much. I refrain from asking her where she is every five minutes and try to nag less about when she last ate a meal with us. I have written about buying her alcohol and choosing my battles. So far so good. I thought I had it nailed, I thought I had it sussed. There was not much going to throw me and I am happy with my parenting choices.
Then
Her
Friends
Started
Driving.
And I don’t like it. Chloe herself is looking forward to learning to drive come January and I can cope with that – that thought doesn’t stress me. She will learn, like many her age do. She will bunny hop and stall a car and we will laugh at how her lessons are going. When she passes I will deal with that. She will have all the talks, a black box would be fitted in any potential car. I don’t think it is about her getting older that worries me it is about her being in a car with friends.
I am scared about her being a passenger, I am anxious about her getting into friends cars.
Being a sixth form teacher for many years I have heard all the horror stories, speeding, crashing, being pulled by the police, drinking – you name it I heard about it. I have stood in church at the funeral of young men I taught, killed in fatal car crash, after making a terrible judgement call. That was the worst (obviously) but I also know about more near misses. I probably know more than most parents because sixth formers will talk loosely on a Monday morning – almost forgetting I was not one of them. My teacher status blurring as they discussed their weekends and who got up to what with whom.
These tales have scared the hell out of me. I am not sure if it is about my lack of control or more likely Chloe’s lack of control because once you are in that car you surrender to the driver. It can be easy to lose concentration, to mis judge something and I don’t want my daughter to pay the price.
This is the first time I feel really emotional about parenting her, the first time I find it hard to find the words I want to say. I trust her – but this isn’t ultimately about her. I have to trust her judgement but I have to trust her friends too.
And that is really tough parenting. I can’t ban her from getting in a car and I’d rather know than not know but it is something niggling away at me.
Parenting like this is a new experience and I’m not quite used to it yet.
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5 Responses
Try not to worry as it sounds like she has her head screwed on and will have picked sensible friends. I think the whole idea of not being scared to tell the driver to slow down is a big one. I can say this though because in the 2 years my son has been driving none of his friends seem to have passed yet!
My youngest went on the Under 17 Drivers Pathfinder course, at Throckmorton. One of the things they covered was ‘peer pressure’. They covered many other things such as competence, attitude and how to become safer drivers. I really believe it taught her how to make the right choices, with regards to whose car to travel in and also to be more assertive. I can highly recommend it.
Eek! This is definitely a worry! I’m already warning my son about how teenage boys can be reckless, make bad choices and do silly things when they’re showing off to their friends. Most of the time, they won’t come to much harm, but in a car it is a totally different matter.
Here’s hoping Chloe (and my son!) make the right choices and get through this period of growing up unscathed.
This is so hard. Like you say, it’s not so much about trusting your teen, it’s about everyone else in the car and on the road. I wish I could offer advice. We are some way off this stage and I’m sure I’m going to freak out a lot more than you about all the other growing up milestones X
I’m so worried about this if I’m honest. I think 17 is too young to be driving and having lost to friends at 19 in a car accident it’s something which is always on my mind. I know my eldest will be a sensible driver as he’s quite level headed but he has one friend who’s a bit of play boy and will be getting a car on his 17th birthday (parents are millionaires so it won’t be a rusty 1.2 either!) I feel your pain!