Having three children was always my game plan. I always really knew that I hadn’t finished before we had Erin. Even now I still get a little broody when friends are having babies (not looking at you Molly no not atall) but last week I read a great blog post about when did we start hating big families. Now I don’t count three as a big family, big to me is over four but the post really got me thinking and it has stayed with me.
It seems to me that it is actually more acceptable to have a large family if you have ‘started again’ with someone else. The reason to have more children if you have a new partner is acceptable and justified and with over 40% of marriages ending in divorce starting again is not unusual. If your children are all within the same family unit it seems others don’t understand why you have needed more than two. My children have quite an age gaps between them, at the moment they are 5, 10, 15 this age gap also seems to cause confusion. I cannot count the number of times I have been asked if the eldest and youngest were planned. Yes for information each of them were planned and much wanted. It seems though that that is against societies norms. You should have two children and have a two year age gap and if not you are deviating from the norms.
I always read that having a third was a game changer because of the stress involved. I did not find that in the slightest but maybe that is due to a 5 1/2 year age gap. We debated having Erin for so long because of what we had read and yes Erin did bring major stress into our family life that was due to her dodgy hip and not because we had an extra little person. The fact that she was the easiest of babies and she slotted in to our family with ease.
However it seems that society see’s three as a game changer too.
Signs that society doesn’t like three children
1. Hotels – we like to travel, we like to stay in excellent hotels yet it cannot accommodate a family of five. Why do we two rooms if we have an extra child. Two rooms cost double the price of one!
2. Holidays – holidays are worse than hotels and why oh why are children charged as adults from age 12? I know that is a whole other post but seriously?
3. Family tickets at attractions – a family ticket is usually for two adults two children. We often end up buying a family ticket and then an extra!
4. Tables at restaurants are often set up for four.
It seems that being a family of five is problematic when we are out of our home. This is such shame as I feel blessed to have my three and three for us is the magic number. We have had some amazing times as a family of five and yes I look for the short cut some of which I shared recently in mum of three life hacks and yes the car can be a bit of a squash on a long journey because of the carseat but that’s what a seven seater is ideal for!
If money was no object or boring things like where you would live how many children would you choose to have?
23 Responses
I don’t see five as a big family at all. My best friend has four boys! We would have keep on going if health had not become an issue!
I think I’d have liked one more Jen.
I’d like to have had three but a problem child coupled with all the reasons you’ve mentioned before put me off. Life just seems, well easier with two compared to my friends with three – and certainly cheaper! If money was no object I’d have loads!
That’s it I wonder how many were / are put off by what the media tells us.
If money was no object I would have more children in a heartbeat! We have been considering fostering as after having two daughters we would love to have more children to look after 🙂
Fostering is such a worthwhile thing to do. I would like to seriously consider this when mine are older.
I’m one of three siblings, as is my husband, and I don’t think of 5 as a big family. We have two children – I would have loved more but it didn’t happen.
I really don’t class three children as a big family at all but have seen families of 5 excluded from so many things. Definitely not fair
I don’t think three is a big family I know lots of people with three, although a lot of people have said to me since becoming pregnant again that I had the perfect family already, why did I want a third!! We have always said if we won the lottery and could afford a bigger house/car we would have 5 or 6 – I would keep going forever!
See I don’t see 4 children as a large family but I grew up with 4 of us and all my cousins were families of 5. Locally there’s lots of families with 4 or 5 children too.
Interesting post.
I don’t see three children as a big family. If I had enough money, I’d love to have about five. I love having children and looking after them.
There seems to be this myth about 4 being the perfect no.
I have three and have always wanted three, for me it’s the perfect number and the perfect dynamic for our family. The “family ticket” thing does annoy me though!!
No I don’t think 3 kids is a large family. One is enough for us though!
Yes, 3 kids here too- and it definitely stops you grabbing some cheap deals on all sorts of things from burgers being sold in packs of four to holidays and days out! Like you I have big age gaps so didnt find adding a third a practical problem as bigger two were already at school.
Most people I know tend to have three children and I don’t think it is large at all, I think it possibly comes down to it being an odd number x
I have four children and I love another one and am put off by some of the things you mention, espeically costs. But mainly because I have big age gaps too and I feel it would be unfair, we have got to a point where we can do lots together without the hassle of baby stuff to consider! And the hotel room thing drives me crazy, we need two rooms but often all the kids want to be with us in one, and which kids do you put in the ‘other room’?. It means the adults have to be separated too! madness! Interesting post x
Three kids here too – and that was always the plan. I’m the opposite to you – having crammed three kids into under five years. People expect a two year age gap between two kids, but then seem to find it weird that you would repeat the experience!
We’re definitely bigger than average, but there are plenty of families of three and I don’t consider us ‘big’, but like you I find the world isn’t really geared up for us. Hotels are a big issue, so as a result we don’t often stay in them. We may (we totally did) have sneaked my daughter into a room for four for a night at a Premier Inn. We got away with it and we all got a decent night’s sleep. Win!
Don’t think 3 children is a large family. Large is 5 or more. We live in Indiana USA and we have 4 children (ages 12, 10, 8 and 6). We get a lot of “You must have your hands full.” Finding a hotel room is difficult but not impossible – Six Suitcase Travel (website) has helped with this. We know families with 5-7 children and they have real difficulties when traveling.
Questions/comments we have heard at different points in our family size:
* Zero children – “When are you planning to start a family?” The expectation was we would have children (~80% of US families do have children).
* After One child (a girl) – “Are you planning to have another child? A boy would be nice!”
* After Two children (a girl & a boy) – “A perfect family!” (~85% of US families with children have 1 or 2 kids.) “You must be done!” A No answer is fine if the two children are of the same gender. In our case a No answer raised questions about religious conviction – Are you devout Catholic, Amish, Dugger family, etc.?
* After Three children – (In their mind, they are thinking it must have been an accident.) “You are probably done now. Don’t you know what causes pregnancy? Don’t you realize too many people will exhaust the earth’s limited resources?”
* After Four children – People don’t ask about our future plans regarding the size of the family. Instead they ask, “Are you planning to homeschool?”
Depending on where we are in the US/Canada we sometimes get people staring at us, as if they are thinking, “Theoretically I know families can be that large but I have never actually seen one before.”
I don’t see five as big, just bigger than mine!
I don’t see that having 3 children as a big family, after all I have 6 however I do get frustrated by the so called “family tickets” that don’t cover my family. By the same note though, so does my friend who only has one – she has to pay almost the same price that a family of 4 does for her family of 3
I think if you can look after all your kids well and not have to depend on the Government for any kind of support, then how many kids you have is your choice.
I hear this post loud and clear Emma. We have four children and we definitely find it difficult for all of the reasons that you have mentioned. I recently wrote a post about tips for holidays with large families because we struggle. To me large families are normal but then my Aunt had four children, my Grandad was one of 13 (imagine THAT!!!). I just wish that more day trip/holiday companies catered towards those with large hearts and families!!