There was a hammering on the door at about 10.45 this morning, the type of hammering that 11 year old boys do when they are calling for each. I had already heard the wheels of a scooter on the driveway just before the door was beaten to death. With barely a glance back Dylan was grabbing his scooter, pullying on his trainers and heading out of the door.
I called out to him that if he was passing by the house, shout in so I knew he was fine. Then he was gone.
I’m not sure where.
Dylan doesn’t yet carry a phone about, social media holds little interest to him. Raising boys is different from girls whereas Chloe had a phone at his age he sees no real need for one. I also think that carrying an expensive phone could make him a target for having it taken off him. Or for him losing it which would upset both him and me. I have just given him my old iphone but he doesn’t think to carry it.
Instead I just issue him with the instruction to have fun and be careful. We have some great parks around us and he is with friends from school. All boys I know. I thought he’d come home for lunch. He didn’t.
At 2pm I decided to go for a 5 mile run, Lee decided to join me as the girls were at dancing. Lee popped to the park we thought Dyl would be in but couldn’t see him. Rather than worrying though we simply popped a note on the front door saying back in 50mins and off we jogged. We passed a few more of the parks and skate parks we thought he might be in. He wasn’t.
Once back home, out of breath and exhausted from running I sat in the living and basked in the quietness that doesn’t usually happen at weekends. Just as I was leaving to pick up the girls at 3.45 Dylan arrived home, smile firmly attached and with a rumbling tummy! This was some five hours later.
He announced he’d been having great fun playing football and messing about in the park. A quick pit stop, food and drink and he was back out. However this next time he did have a return time at 6pm for dinner. I realise that for some this approach might sound irresponsible but I want to let my son play football in the park, make dens in the tress and jump the stream near Morrisons. I think that is what a childhood should be like. I was a child of the 80’s where we queued to climb high slides in the park and jump the streams. So far our approach has worked and yes Chloe did break her ankle in the park. But she was just unlucky!
Would you let your 11 yr old disappear for four or five hours without knowing exactly where they are? Before I get a barrage of replies he does know to call at friends, home, his uncles or childminders which are dotted about the area they are his safe houses if ever he needed them.
22 Responses
A year ago I would have said no, definitely not but I’ve changed a lot since Bethan went up to secondary school.
She goes into town on her own, goes to the park and does a lot more than I thought I would let her do at this age. She’s much more confident as a result x x
I thought and thought about my opinion on this and I’m not really sure. I was out rooming at 11 years old in the 90s. Building dens in the woods, catching frogs in the millpond and enjoying bike rides. It feels like such a different place now. Maybe it isn’t and we are just paranoid. I will have Eva in 5 years asking to do the same I’m sure.
This is absolutely the childhood I had. In fact it was an incentive to learn to tell the time: once we knew how to, we got to leave the house with friends, so long as we were back to check in at the precise times my mother gave. But my children are 5 and 6 and I find it so hard to imagine them doing the same.
i have to be very careful with my oldest as he is actually 13 years old but also unable to wander of due to the fact he really does not have any common sense unlike the smaller ones which can be trusted a little more than him, i do like to be able to see my kids or know exactly where they are thoguh, i find that that is my responsiblilityand although not controlling what and wher they are at all times , i do like to know wher they are , you never know what may happen and the news scares me each and every day with the horror stories in even the safest of small villages and towns, for as long as i can i will ensure the children in my care are safe and i like to keep them where i can see them, they dont mind and once they do feel they need to venture further then I will be prepared later on but not now while i can keep them safe
Mine doesn’t even come back for food. I only worry when it starts to get dark (however early that maybe) as they are the rules. My son has a “brick” phone which doesn’t break when climbing trees and doesn’t cost much to replace when he drops it in the brook!
Yes – getting dark is a rule here for both Chloe and Dylan – hurrah for summer nights!
Looking at how I was brought up I’d like to replicate this for my own children – I’d like to think I’d be able to let my children do that at 11 though it feels a long time off yet. The only thing I think I would do differently to you is give a specific return time, a curfew so to speak, so then I would know when to worry if that makes sense.
Totally and that’s what we do in the afternoon and after dinner. But at 10.45 in the morning I didn’t want him to have to come back here to tell me he was fine then have to go find his friends again. – You need to be cool with the kids too!
Such a great post Emma, this has really made me think. I absolutely agree that this is what childhood should be and I hope that I give my children this as they get older. But, I’m worried I won’t.
As you know, we lived in NZ for eight years and moved back here when Milin was one. If we ever go back it will be because I will feel more confident about giving them this kind of upbringing there. I think I will worry too much here in London to possibly bring them up as I really want. Thank you for this though, it’s inspiring x
Thanks Kiran – London maybe different, it is always so busy and populated. Although there are of course lovely parks and so on to.
I always hoped I’d be able to raise my children in the way I was raised, that is, with as much freedom as possible. Our boys are younger but we try to give our boys as much space as we can and there have been times whilst travelling and staying at campsites where we haven’t known exactly where they are for half an hour or so. Your approach is admirable i think as although we as parents can sometimes feel fearful we should work hard not to let our fears interfere with our children’s development of their sense of self and management of risk which is best done in time spent playing freely away from adults!
Thank you for the comment. I think it was also one of those situations where the day panned out like that. More often than not he is back after half an hour because of friends going out or getting hungry and so on. Sunday just led to being outdoors all day.
I think the idea of letting them roam is a good one in theory, but it also depends on where you live. I grew up in the countryside and took off for ages with friends at that age, but we’re in a town now and things are busier.
I wouldn’t like the idea of not knowing where he is for hours on end and if he was ok.
Ther’s also no way I could go out leaving the house with the husband for nearly an hour when the 11 year old was out and about but that’s just me.
yes I am surprised that I’ve not had more comments on doing that as I thought that would be the bit I was challenged on!
It’s interesting how many parents (of my generation and younger) recall playing out just like this and clearly wish their children could have the same childhood and yet…. what is it that’s changed? What have we all become so afraid of? I do think traffic is worse. Although we all had to learn the Green Cross Code in the 70s!
I do think media obsession with sex offenders and child abduction has a lot to answer for. The vast majority of adults are no threat to children – in fact they will look for and protect them. But so many parents look at every passerby with suspicion. I think it also depends where you live – big city, small town, village. Maybe it’s about setting boundaries and allowing your children to gradually stretch them?
Great post – really good topic. I’ve tweeted and shared on my FB page https://www.facebook.com/dadwithoutamap.
thank you – I honestly think the media has influenced parenting too much.
I used to head out about 9am on a sunny Summer day and not be back till about 6pm OR when the lights came on whichever happened first. We didn’t go far but we did have the freedom to explore, and like your son we had places to go if we ever got worried or needed to get a big glass of water without having to go home. The area I grew up in was different to where we live now and I would be a bit more cautious, but I also want them to had the freedom I enjoyed as a child. It’s a difficult decision but I hope that when they are the right age I can judge from their personalities as to what would be appropriate for them. Interesting post! x
thanks – i also keep them busy with sport so they don’t have much free time!
I actually wish that I could answer ‘yes’ to this but I honestly think that all of the media coverage and hype of what COULD go wrong, has put us all off from letting our children live a little. It’s tough parenting in this day and age, because we know about the bad side. I think our parents were clueless or it just wasn’t mentioned as often. I had this kind of childhood too and it was blissful, we really did stay in the woods and play all day long. I wish mine would get off their phones and go and run around in the woods playing, it would make a refreshing change. Well done to your boy and you’re very lucky that you have fields and woods on your doorstep. Food for thought and I reckon I’ve got a blog post in here somewhere!
Thanks Suzanne I do wonder how much the media has to do with it. Were our parents clueless or are we just paranoid now? Statistically nothing much has changed regarding harm to children.
Good for you – and for being brave enough to write about this and open yourself up to possible criticism. I absolutely would trust my eldest (who is almost 9) to go off for a few hours by himself. We’re in a neighbourhood where he has lots of friends and local parks he can go to.
My youngest is a little less trustworthy and I’ll need to see whether he gets better as he grows. But just now I will let him go off if he stays with his big brother.
By the time they get to high school, I have to trust them to take a bus across town, and to either get the bus back or walk back with friends. If I don’t give them a bit of freedom now I’ll be a nervous wreck when that time comes!
I agree with you and while I always think of my daughter out playing it’s important we give them the skills and means to look after themselves. It also depends on their friends. My seven year old went out to play outside with his friend, a neighbour, and this boy took him to a park across a busy road. My son was uncomfortable and wanted to come home but his friend didn’t so he didnt leave him. Eventually they came home all OK but it sparked a long chat about what to do. Turns out this same boy’s parents had to call the police out a few weeks before when he took another friend for a ramble in fields! He’s a good kid but has no common sense or thought to what might happen. I was glad my son was so aware! Great post!