Let’s be honest, talking to your children about sex and their changing bodies is never going to be an easy conversation to have. After all, when puberty starts it still feels like your children are still very young to comprehend and understand the next phases in growth both physically and mentally. However, it is important that you talk to your young children about the changes they will or might have started experiencing.
As a mum, it can be far easier to talk to your daughter about the changes with puberty and their bodies because you have your own experiences of it. But talking about puberty with tween boys can be a little more overwhelming. So how do you do it at this young age? How do you start talking about wet dreams, facial hair, mood changes and hormonal changes?
Here are some tips and ideas on how to talk about puberty with your tween boys.
As a teacher of young people and mum to teenagers, there is nothing I get embarrassed about and neither should you! Arm yourself with the facts and that could mean that you need to do some reading up on the male body first. The biggest piece of advice I will give is also to use the correct names for body parts. Keep it real and clear call a penis a penis and a vagina a vagina just like you would an arm or a leg.
There is a wealth of information available for parents either from books like What’s happening to me? if you need to do some reading up yourself first.
When is the best time to talk to your son about puberty?
There is no right or wrong answer when it comes to knowing the best time to talk to your son about puberty. The truth is, there isn’t an ideal time. But the best way to look at it is that the timing might be right when you start to notice physical changes with your son, or they notice their changing body and have begun to ask questions. Things like mood swings, changes in body odour, having a growth spurt, growing taller and wider, pubic hair, or changes to their penis and testicles.
These physical and emotional changes can start as early as nine years old or they may not occur to the teen years. The normal spectrum is a long one and puberty happens at different times for each young adult.
Why it is important to discuss puberty with your son
Sometimes it can feel like there will be more reasons not to talk about puberty than to open a can of worms with too much information or answers leading to more questions that you may not have the relevant information for. It is overwhelming for any parent. However, it is important to discuss this sensitive topic with your son so that they feel assured about the changes they may notice and to feel less alone knowing that all children will go through these changes. I suggest it is a good idea to start talking about puberty from age 9 onwards. Little and often has been my (successful) approach
What do you need to talk about?
The puberty changes are different for a boy and a girl, and if you are a mum trying to have a conversation with your son about it, this is where it can be harder because you don’t necessarily have the experience. That being said, there is no reason why as a mum you can’t be the one to have the talk with your tween son and single mums may have no choice. It would all depend on who you think your son might absorb the information from.
Here are a couple of things that you might want to cover over the course of time. Start with the first sign of puberty and explain what physical changes will happen.
- Changes to their genitals
- Ejaculation and erections
- Sex and the consequences of unprotected sex
- A change in their voice
- When to start shaving (do read the whole post on this important topic, along with our product recommendations for this important stage).
- Mood swings
While these things will seem very strange and unusual for your son it is also important to reassure them that these things are completely normal.
How to talk to your son about puberty?
Now that you know when to talk to your son and what you might want to cover, the important thing is how you do it to avoid any embarrassment or worry, on both parts. Here are a couple of things to think about when having honest conversations with your tween son about puberty.
Keep it short
The first thing to consider is keeping the conversation short and direct. Plan what you are going to say or cover in advance, and let them know the facts. If they have questions then this is where the conversation can develop. By sticking to the facts it can help teen boys process the information.
Only talk about the information relevant to them at the time
It might be that you won’t cover everything in one conversation and that is okay. Instead, talk about the information that is relevant to them at the time, manage the conversation in an age-appropriate way. For example, if they are just noticing changes in their body it might be that you don’t need to discuss sex and ejaculation. Or you could cover those things but they won’t need to know about unprotected sex as it could be far from their minds and something they associate with being older. We all are only interested in things that are relevant to us at the time, your children are the same. You will know your tween son, so keep things relevant.
Avoid a direct conversation
Sometimes a face-to-face conversation can be a lot more daunting, so avoid a direct conversation and instead head out for a walk, use time in the car, or when you are doing something else so it doesn’t feel so intimidating. You won’t be intimidating, but the subject of the conversation can cause embarrassment and worry, so keep it casual when you have the puberty talk.
Give your tween options
Your tween son might be more interested in books, online resources, or conversations with other family members like older siblings or the other parent who didn’t have the initial conversation. Give your tween options on where to find out more information if they seek it, just make sure they are getting accurate information and reliable sex education and not relying on social media or peers who may not understand all the facts.
It won’t be just one conversation
Be mindful that it won’t be just one conversion. This could be a few conversations as you cover different aspects of puberty. This might be in close concession or over long periods of time. This is a good approach rather than the ‘big talk ‘ that tries to cover too much.
Take the lead from your son
You will know your son better than anyone, so take their lead on whether they are comfortable with the conversation, whether you need to elaborate or keep things simple for now. Don’t overcomplicate it.
Do they need to be aware of the changes a female will go through?
Finally, does your tween son need to know about the changes with females? Ideally yes, but you might not need to go into too much detail. It is important to share that girls go through similar changes in their bodies such as mood swings, body changes including breast growth, etc, however, they have different changes to go through as well. This will help them to not feel isolated knowing that everyone is feeling the changes as they get older.
It is important that your tween boy knows what puberty involves for their sisters or the girls in the class. Thankfully we have come a long way from keeping the start of menstruation and first periods away from male family members and boys generally.
Hopefully, these tips and suggestions will help you when talking about puberty with your tween son.
