Taking a child to a funeral is a very personal decision. There is certainly no right or wrong age to take a child to say their own goodbyes to someone they loved.
t’s all too common to find full families attending a funeral directors office, children and all, but many people have differing opinions on the matter as a whole. Some may suggest that a child is too underdeveloped to understand the importance and significance of a funeral, or even to recognise the reason behind it. However, others argue that their children are emotionally mature enough to understand, and that attending a funeral will provide them with some kind of closure.
There are multiple reasons both for and against taking a child to a funeral, so it’s something that would no doubt require a lot of thought beforehand. Of course you don’t want to upset your child more than is necessary, nor do you want to upset other funeral guests by causing chaos with unruly and distracting little ones. You also won’t want to miss out on attending a loved ones final farewell, nor would you want to miss an opportunity to teach your children important lessons about death.
According to British Social Attitudes, 48% of people think it is inappropriate for a child under 12 to go to a funeral. However, I disagree and I want to share the reasons why I have taken Erin to a funeral at a young age and believe children at funerals is perfectly acceptable and even cathartic for their wellbeing.
Mackinnon, of Winston’s Wish, the child bereavement charity, says no one working at the charity has ever come across someone who regretted going to a funeral as a child. This is quite fundamental to my beliefs on seeing children at funerals.
Erin is now seven and has been to four family funerals over the years. The first time she was just six months and a baby in my arms. It made no difference to where she was. The second time she was 3 years old and still quite unaware of what was happening. The funeral was a family funeral and it was in London, two hours drive from our home in Gloucestershire. There was no-one to leave her with so she came with us, it was a small funeral with immediate family only.
The third time Erin came to a funeral was when she was five years old and I did think carefully about taking her to a funeral. It was my nan’s funeral, Erin’s great nan. I decided to bring her and she was fine, she deserved to be there to understand the finality of death.
More recently my grandad died, the children’s darling popa and Erin is now 7. She loved our Popa very much. Over the past two years I have seen him every week and in the month before he died I saw him most days.
Erin also saw him regularly, along with her big brother and sister. They knew that he was very poorly for the last few months, they knew he was dying. I didn’t want it to be a shock, I wanted them prepared that he was going to leave us soon. However, I also decided a few months ago that I didn’t want Erin to see him so weak and frail. I never made a ‘you won’t see him again speech and I never actually told Popa or Erin that they wouldn’t see each again in person. But for the last six or so weeks of his life, Erin didn’t see Popa. She knew he was not going to get better. Although she didn’t see him in person she face-timed him on a good day from the hospital.
How wonderful that technology gives those precious moments. Popa had started using a iPad the year before at the age of 91! I would often hear Erin chatting to him after school in the months that followed him learning to Facetime. Therefore at one visiting time, when popa was in good spirit we together facetimed Erin at home.
Chloe and Dylan both had the opportunity to visit Popa in the hospital, their chance to say their goodbyes. They knew there were there to say goodbye and they did that with bravery and tears. Again they didn’t see him in the final 10 days as I thought it would be too much for them to see him in pain and frail. However, I knew that they would come to his funeral.
When he died, of course, they were upset. They loved him, they had a great relationship with him. Chloe had had him in her life for 17 years. There are not many that can say they knew their great grandad that well and for that long. They were each given the choice to attend the funeral. They were told they could change their mind at any time and even on the day or on the way. All three wanted to come and I would not stop them from that final journey.
I thought carefully about the poem I would read and even changed a few bits. I wanted Erin to know that death was final. That Popa was dead and we were saying goodbye. She knew there would be tears and she understood that it was fine to cry or even not to cry. There is no set formula to grief after all and certainly no right or wrong with children at funerals.
After Popa had died I made sure that I used the language she would understand. There was no talking of passing or moving on. That can lead to confusion and the belief that death is not final. Instead, I used the words dead and died. The funeral was a chance to say goodbye. I know others question seeing children at funerals but for us, it was the right decision.
On the day of the funeral, Erin was fine and she held my hand as we walked into the crematorium. There were some tears and she certainly saw me sobbing but I think it is important to express those emotions in front of children. After the service, Erin was quite upset for a minute or two. We cuddled as I reassured her that Popa had loved her very much and of course we are sad and going to miss him. Seeing your child hurting and crying is of course hard, but she saw other family members crying and she witnessed that she was not alone in her grief which I think is important.
By taking Erin to the funeral she understands the finality of death. She had to confront her emotions which I believe is so important for emotional well being. Erin is also very emotionally aware and able to express herself. Personally for Erin had she not attended the funeral I think it would have been harder for her. Had she not been a part of the service she would have felt excluded and that her feelings were not as important as the rest of us including her older siblings. As she is the youngest sibling she has more awareness than many the same age.
Taking a child to a funeral is a very personal decision and there is no right or wrong age. I would never base the decision on age alone. Each child is different and it depends on a number of factors I believe. For us, and for Erin it was the right decision and I am glad she had her chance to say goodbye to a man she loved so very much.
I also believe that no child is ever damaged or resentful by going to a funeral of someone they love, but I do believe if they feel excluded or that they were not allowed to attend a funeral that those feelings stay with them.
15 Responses
I think it is so important young children in particular know what has happened, they are v often excluded and become confused. Their feeling s as you say are just as valid and it is so important they get to say goodbye,
It sounds like it was definitely the best decision for all of you. I am so sorry for your loss. I chose not to take my children to my grandmother’s funeral last Summer. It was very traumatic as she was diagnosed with leukaemia and died within a few months and the end was very difficult. Everyone was very, very distraught and, with Biggest having autism, I knew he would be completely overwhelmed by it. He reacts very badly to others’ upset and would not be able to process or understand what happened. I think it is wonderful that you were all able to say goodbye together though. It sounds like he was a truly special man. xx
Emotional post. Like you say, every family, child and parent is different but I think I’d probably do the same as you. This must have been a tough post to write but I am sure you will have helped others in writing it xxxx
I think I depends on whose funeral it is and on the child him/ herself. I would certainly allow my daughter age 9 to go to a funeral of a family member or close family friend if she wanted to. As a child aged 8 and then 13 I asked o go to both of my grandfathers funerals not was not allowed, that made me sad. The first funeral I went to was my dad’s when I was 14 . I think it’s important the child is given the opportunity to go if they feel they want to, to say goodbye . Not all children would be ready to or want to, but others will/are.
I am amazed when people say they wouldn’t take a child to a funeral of a family member (or a close friend). I think that is very wrong as they need a chance to say goodbye too. My great-uncle was an evacuee in the war and came back to find an uncle had disappeared (he’d died of illness) and nobody had bothered to say. It clearly still upset him as an old man as he never got a chance to say goodbye or even grieve. My son is 10 and has been to 4 funerals, all great-grandparents. It wasn’t something I felt I had to make a decision about – it was his right and duty to attend. I think you made the right choice.
I think parents know best in these situations. If you have toddler who is going though a difficult phase and they won’t understand what is going on, then it isn’t fair to everyone else to take them along.
My husband died when mine were just 5 and just 3. They came to the funeral service but not the burial. ( I opted for burial not cremation as it seemed easier to explain to them.) The three year old doesn’t remember it, the five year old does.
Thanks for a great post.
My Uncle died last year of cancer and my children visited him a few days before he died. In the run up to the funeral, I decided that they shouldn’t come as I felt that they were just too young (ages 9, 8 and 7) and with so much sadness, I just didn’t want them to witness it. However, I really regret that decision as they have never fully got over his loss and tell me that they wish they had been able to go to the funeral.
Only last week, after tears in the car, I have promised take the children to visit his grave, I hope this will help form closure for them.
I totally agree though, there really is no right or wrong in these situations.
Oh Jennifer you made what you thought was the best decision. I hope you remember you did it for the right reasons.
My son was eleven when my mother died. My wife was not too happy about him going but I pressed my point and she gave way and agreed later that I had been right. Partly because her brother, my son’s uncle to whom he was very close, kindly came and gave him some moral support when I lost it.
And as the charity Winstons Wish says no child ever wishes they hadn’t gone.
All 3 of my children came to my Dad’s funeral 3 years ago and had an active part in the funeral service. They were 14, 12 & 5 at the time. They were nervous about reading the words we had written together in front of so many people, but they got through it and it was very moving and poignant. They made me very proud. We have talked about it since and they are all very glad to have done it and to have been part of their Grampy’s special goodbye. He loved them dearly and I couldn’t have imagined them not being there xx
exactly how I feel.
Emma,
My condolences.
I’m sure you made the right decision in giving C, D and E the option of whether or not to attend the funeral.
It’s a privilege to have memories of your great-grandparents.
I’ve been to several funerals in recent years and didn’t take the kids but they didn’t know the people who had died so there was no need for them to be there.
I didn’t go to my Grandad’s funeral when I was little – probably about Erin’s age actually and I think that has probably fed my own attitude to it that mostly kids just don’t need to be there. I do think it very much depends on the child and their relationship to the person who has died.
It is such a hard decision to make. It sounds like it was definitely the best decision for all of you. I’m so sorry for your loss. I haven’t taken mine to a funeral, but my dad died before they were born. I’ve not had to cross that bridge yet. I think it’s lovely that you were all able to say goodbye in your own way. What a lovely man x