Asked by his tutor to list words that go together like bat and ball, bucket and spade my ten-year-old answered gin and tonic. The tutor laughed at his answer and told me at the end of the session. Dylan had then gone on to say he can pour a great gin and tonic. Whilst some might be mortified I was pleased that it showed that I know when and how to start the conversation about alcohol with teenagers.
Does this make me a bad mother?
I think it is easy when you have young children for them never to see you drinking and for alcohol not to be an issue but when those babies grow into tweens and teens they will pick up ideas about drinking from those closest to them and as parents we are those role models. It is at this age your children may see you drinking as naturally, they go to bed later and will see more.
As a teacher, I also hear stories of teenage parties and weekends fuelled with cheap binge drinking. I have known of students that take dangerous and unnecessary risks fuelled by the alcohol in their bodies. I have wept at funerals of past students. I am not scared to talk about underage drinking with teenagers, I have seen it as part of my duty or care when as both a teacher and a youth worker. I do have the words for teens, but often it is too late by then to educate. The conversation needs to start earlier and it needs to start with parents and carers at home. My children know that I have been to those funerals and they saw me upset, therefore they realised that alcohol can be misused and cause untold harm.
However, they also see responsible drinking and know that it is about moderation. Through an open dialogue they know our views and what are expectations on them are. It is not a conversation that takes place just once, it is ongoing.
That is why my son knows gin and tonic goes together, I don’t pretend that alcohol doesn’t exist and that it is the forbidden fruit not to be discussed and only consumed in the darkness of an evening after children are in bed. To me, that would just fuel a desire to know more. Instead, my children see me drink in moderation, they know that alcohol is enjoyable but in the correct way. My teen and tween have sipped a drink, neither like the taste of beer or wine and that is fine. However, they don’t need to try it in someone else’s bedroom or park. It has not been bought by someone older who won’t be there to watch that my child remains safe. My children can talk about alcohol because they understand that we talk about most things. So far we have a pretty much open dialogue in our house.
Drinkaware has produced some new resources and the website content has been developed with the support of charity Family Lives and Dr Tim Ubhi, Consultant Paediatrician. There will also be two webinars on 27th November and 10th December for parents to ask any questions on issues surrounding underage drinking because unfortunately, the facts speak for themselves.
One of the pieces of research I heard on the radio hit a nerve with me. Being drunk just once aged 13. Twice as likely to have unprotected sex. (Mann et al, 2009) ‘ This concerned me as a parent because both sex and alcohol are linked together. Two things as a parent that I wish I didn’t have to think about with my own children. 13 is also so very very young and it is evident why the conversation needs to start earlier than many parents probably had considered. The second fact I’d like to put out there is ‘Being drunk, just once, under 16 years old. 85% more likely to be involved in violence. This again a shocking statistic but one I can believe after seeing and hearing stories from my sixth formers.
As a parent, I don’t believe that I always get it right and that is why I will turn to websites like Drink Aware to help me find the words. There is no ‘right’ way to start the conversation, and I have professed for the past few years that I believe parenting just gets harder as your children hit the tweens and teens. But what is important is that you are having the conversation and that it starts early enough.
Disclosure:
I am a member of the Mumsnet Bloggers Network Research Panel, a group of parent bloggers who have volunteered to review products, services, events and brands for Mumsnet. I have not paid for the product or to attend an event. I have editorial control and retain full editorial integrity. I will receive vouchers as a thank you for this post.
9 Responses
I coukd imagine being a teacher being a blessing and a curse when it comes to underage drinking – good that you have the chance to talk to these children, but so hard when things go wrong. A very well written piece.
The stats are always so scary 🙁
My children see us drink, in the same way as yours, and we also talk about other grown up behaviour. I try to keep it light, and let them ask rather than push my own opinions on them. I hope when the time comes, that they will feel like the door is open to talk to me about what they do without judgement, and to ask for support and advice when they need it.
I think your approach is spot on and very sensible. Hiding it away only makes it more tempting, better to be open and honest and have a grown up conversation about it.
My parents took the approach of allowing us a little from our early teens and I have to say that is the approach I take too. A small snifter of very dilute vermouth at Christmas was my daughters first taste of alcohol, and then graudally a little more when she was older. She is 18 now and prob the most sensible of her mates! I drink, but moderately and have never hidden it.
As the daughter of an alcoholic I was all too aware of what too much alcohol could do to you. Early chats and education on drinking as with sex needs to be done. Don’t let subjects become a taboo, allow children to ask the questions even if we might not want to answer them.
That is a really interesting way of looking at it Emma. That is so sad that you have had to attend the funerals of students like that but a terrible reminder of how serious alcohol abuse can be. We don’t drink a lot but we talk to the kids about alcohol. You are right that it needs to start earlier and that it shouldn’t be treated as a secret thing; that will only make them more curious about it. Great post
never ever should it be secret, that’s just daft. i’m not a massive drinker, but i will have a glass of wine with my sunday lunch or whenever i fancy. but i’m pretty much done with that glass full to be fair. i think perhaps that when i was growing up, my parents always would have wine with their meals, and on special occasions i was allowed wine too. heavily heavily watered down but i guess that’s why it’s never been such a mystery to me.
i am so glad my children are still little when I read things like this. Those statistics are shocking.
Shocking statistics!
I try to teach my children to be sensible about alcohol and to understand the dangers of it – I just hope that when they’re old enough to be in the position to make decisions about drinking that they make the right ones!
Scary stuff, isn’t it?