The media tells us that communicating with teens and parenting them is going to be a long hard slog – but what if I tell you that it doesn’t have to be this way!
Parenting teenagers has been my favourite stage of the parenting journey, I enjoy their company and we all came through the experience relatively unscathed! I have one more heading into her teens and I am looking forward to the stage once again.
Communicating with teens doesn’t have to be all slamming doors and grunts (yours or theirs!). Instead, it can be another journey of self-discovery. You don’t need to be a parenting expert you just need to block out the media narrative and continue what you have been doing for the first 13 years of their life. You need to love, carry on communicating with teens and be ready for growing independence which is of course a natural stage.
Ways to continue communicating with teens
- It seems obvious, but letting your teen know you love them is the first step in creating a relationship. Saying “I love you” is free and takes about 3 seconds. Hand it out like the world ends tomorrow. Hug them, give them that big embarrassing kiss on the cheek, shout your love for them across the school courtyard. Ok maybe don’t shout unless you want ‘the look’ but you get the sentiment, don’t you pull back just because they might.
- A parent’s love is one of the only constants in a child’s life, let that be known. You’re not perfect, and neither are they, but you still have a bond that will last forever. In the toughest moments, you both are going to need each other to pull through. Your teen may get tired of hearing you say it, they might not say it back every time, and there might be a few times that they tell you to stop. However, when it comes down to it, they’ll remember that you were always there, telling them you loved them unconditionally. I really value and reccomend 5 Love Languages of Teenagers for extra reading around this topic.
- Be curious about their endeavors. If your teen is overly passionate about something healthy for them, encourage them and try to become passionate yourself. You might even be brought back to your own childhood. A teen’s hobbies are sure to stick around throughout their life, and if you’re a big part of that hobby, you’re sure to be a big part of their life. This isn’t true for all hobbies, of course – some will come and go. I have spent many an hour watching dance shows or stood on the side of a hockey pitch. Dance isn’t my greatest passion to watch but I did it nontheless. Football is not a sport I particularly enjoy watching but I have learnt enough to have a proper engaged conversation with my son about his team.
- Be an inspiration, a supporter, and that one parent screaming from the sidelines at the football game. They’ll appreciate it in the future, and it gives you both something to talk about.
- Talk to your teen. Ask questions, crack jokes, tell stories. Communicating with teens is super important when it comes to any personal relationship. Nowadays people are lost behind tiny screens. Technology is amazing, don’t get me wrong, but texting isn’t as sentimental as face to face communication – and it never will be. Talking to your teen is crucial to having a good relationship. If you can get them to laugh and smile with you, you’re doing great. You’ll never know who your teen really is if you let them hide behind their phone or laptop. It’s amazing how much you can miss about someone who lives right there with you when you don’t actually indulge yourself in them.
- There are so many stories that people have to share, no matter their age and enthusiasm. All of that can evaporate over text. You can learn just as much from your teen as they can learn from you. In person, you get a much better feel of who a person is and who they really want to be. The eye rolls are sure to come, but don’t let them phase you, at least you’re getting a reaction!
- Make time for your teens. The most valuable thing you can offer anyone is your time. Your children are deserving of that. As people grow older, they grow apart. However, it’s important to always remain close to your teen. If you have more than one teen, be sure to carve out one-on-one time with each of them whenever possible. Spending time with your teens is a great way to build an everlasting bond and teach them good habits simultaneously.
- Remember that you’re their parent. Although you might want to be your teen’s best friend, you have to keep in mind that you’re an authority figure. Most teens don’t need another friend, they need you there as a parent: to teach them, to love them, to help them grow. Don’t mistake your bond for a friendship, it’s much stronger than that.
- Setting healthy boundaries is part of being a parent, and is another way you can strengthen the connection you have with your teen. While the “you’re the worst parent EVER!!”s may flow when you first start setting boundaries, they will thank you later when they have matured into responsible, respectful adults. Okay, so it’s not always that easy, but teens need healthy boundaries. You aren’t doing them any favours if you let them run all over you because you’re afraid to make them upset.
- Keep an eye on your teen from a distance if they start to pull away. Never force your teen to sit down and talk to you for extended periods of time if they’re pulling away – this can just make things worse. Simply letting them know you’re there for them is key. If you notice your teen starting to pull away, don’t just assume they’re being a normal teen and are fine. While not every teenager suffers from depression, anxiety, or suicidal thoughts, those things are prevalent in this age group. A therapist who specializes in adolescents can help if you feel your teen may be dealing with issues you’re not equipped (or being allowed) to handle. This book is also a great tool for teenagers themselves and one I have recommended in my coaching role Self-Esteem Workbook for Teens.
Conclusion
I hope these 10 tips are powerful for you when communicating with teens, to reiterate it doesn’t need to be a turbulent time and going into the teen tears with a positive frame of mind is important because then you are not looking for the tensions and pinch points. Instead, keep that communication open and enjoy a new and different relationships with your teenager.
For more on parenting teens and communicating with teens check out the parenting teenagers archive and follow me on Instagram. I also offer coaching sessions to help parents connect with their teens or for teenagers to explore their next steps in education and beyond.
