We all want to raise responsible adults and we have found that having some house rules for teenagers in place has helped all family members manage this transitional stage of life between childhood and adulthood.
Parenting toddlers and younger children was certainly not easy. You had to chase them, feed them, sacrifice your sleep, and bear with their tantrums. However, parenting teenagers requires a delicate balance between giving them enough guidance to ensure they are making good choices and giving them enough freedom to make mistakes.
Under supervision, mistakes and failure can teach some of life’s greatest lessons which is why I am an advocate of house rules for teenagers. Having basic household rules in place ultimately helps us manage daily parenting decisions and avoid conflict.
Sure, it’s a relief that teenagers can take care of themselves, at least when it comes to eating, playing, and finding their way home. But parenting a teenager comes with its own set of challenges. To begin with, teenagers are more vulnerable at this age and this means they still need parental support to do the right thing and adjust to new rules.
As a qualified teacher, former youth worker and mum of a 20 and 16-year old I am well versed in parenting teenagers, and like all children, they benefit from clear boundaries and expectations. Therefore we have established house rules over the years that work for us and I believe that they are a good idea for families generally.
The rules don’t have to be a formal list of house rules, rather they are a set of general guidelines that you each know and understand. You can outline them casually during family time and through the behaviour that you also model through your own decisions and actions. They don’t need to be a thing that is seen as intrusive, invasive or controlling. If you treat your teen as a young adult you can have healthy conversations about what you find acceptable as you navigate your changing relationships.
My teenagers are not perfect, we have crosswords sometimes but generally, things tick along really well as we have agreed to house rules that they understand. We also have a nearly 11-year-old and are just starting on giving her more independence in preparation for secondary school.
I often have friends asking me what I think are reasonable rules for a 16 year-old? I am asked as I have taught this age group and have built great rapport with students over the years. Now whilst being a teacher is not the same as being a parent it does give you a level of experience as we see many different families and hear lots of first hand experiences.
Why is it important to keep a check on teenagers?
For starters, teenagers are gaining maturity, but they are not mature enough to always make the right choices and good decisions. They’re going through biological changes that put them under the deception that they know what is right and wrong.
On top of that, the world outside is challenging and your teen child is too naïve for it. It is your job to protect them from socialising with the wrong people and harmful habits as much as we can. Otherwise, they can find themselves in potentially dangerous situations.
But why is it complicated?
As I mentioned, the teen years is the developing stage. It is a crucial time as these are years of foundations of adulthood. Besides that, this is the time when your child is much more conscious and sensitive to family relationships.
It is your chance to form the bond of a lifetime with them. You wouldn’t want to ruin it by going too overboard with parenting and it drives them away.
But, there is no need for you to worry. You can do both things simultaneously.
Here’s something important.
Let there be no communication gap
Making home rules for your children is secondary, talking to them and maintaining a friendly bond and environment should be your priority especially when adopting a positive parenting approach.
Ensure that the subjects of conversation between you and your teenager are not limited to school, grades, colleges, and career plans. Talk to them like you talk to your friends. Talk to them about relationships, heartbreaks, and warn them about substance abuse and its harmful effects.
No matter how hard or awkward it is, leave no topic unspoken because there is a time limit on how long we have our teens at home with us. It honestly goes so fast and before you know it your teenage kids are off to college or university and it all changes again!
Now comes the second part, some strong yet smooth house rules for teenagers that can help you protect them.
1. Going out
You cannot completely bar your children from going out and you shouldn’t want to. As much as you want to protect your child, your child must also learn how to live in the real world. In fact, you should be encouraging them to go out but to do so in a safe way.
I had only one big argument with my eldest over this, she wanted to go to a gig but didn’t know where it was. I had no issue with her going but insisted I knew where it was. She couldn’t tell me and I didn’t let her go. I told her if she text a friend to get the name of the venue she could go. She wouldn’t ask. She didn’t go. After that, she always made sure she knew the venue and told me.
I didn’t have an issue with her going but I expected to know an address! During this conversation, I set some healthy boundaries which were always followed after.
Here’s what you can do to put house rules for teenagers into place:
1. Put curfews and deadlines on times and days. You can even fix the duration they can stay out. You may want a different time for weekdays and weekends. We never really had curfews but it was an agreed time home depending on the occasion or where they were. This needs to be reflective of their age too younger teens will have school etc and need enough sleep. Older teens should have more freedom and different rules.
2. Your child should ask your permission before going out, for me this is just common courtesy. I expect to know where they are and whether they are coming home for dinner for example.
3. If they want to go for sleepovers, they must ask you to drop them off. Tip, make sure that their friends’ parents are at home. I find girls have more sleepovers than boys. My son never stays out but the girls often liked staying together at weekends.
Cyber safety and gadgets
The Internet has become a necessity so you might want a set of rules. around usage. You cannot forbid your child from the internet but you can keep a tab on their internet activity to keep them in check.
Here are some clear rules they can abide by:
4. Asking for permission before signing up for a social media account. Most platforms expect you to be 13 years old before signing up. As a younger teenager, the rule was that I could look at their accounts at any time. Once they got to about 15 I stopped this as I do know that teenagers should have a right to privacy.
5. Abiding by the screen time limit set by you.
Teenage years are also the phase where they’ll have relationships with the person they admire. You do not have to forbid them, instead tell them that you support them.
You can even talk to them about relationships and dating; offer them dating advice. You can begin by telling some things about your relationships and teenage years. It’s a great way to make them feel comfortable to share their own experiences with you.
Safety rules
Teenagers can be pretty reckless when it comes to driving and road safety. Your teenager is likely to be a passenger in a friend’s car before they start driving themselves but even this needs some basic house rules being discussed, to make sure they remain safe. Whether they are riding a motorbike, or driving a normal car, make sure they have a motorcycle accident attorney nearby, as they will be there to help with all the admin and gathering of evidence should things go wrong. Here is the family rule they can abide by:
6. No riding/driving without a seat belt. Ever. Full Stop, make sure they realise that this is a driving law as well as a safety issue.
You might not be able to keep a check if they’re following these rules but it is a conversation that is needed. You have to guide them about road safety, tell them how accidents can happen. Share stories if you have any. Tell them they don’t have to let peer pressure affect them (related to driving and road safety. Also substance abuse)
Most importantly, hug them and let them know you are all they have, and they need you to come back home safe and sound.
7. No over-speeding, my daughter did rack up a couple of parking fines in the first six months of passing her test. I feel sorry for teenagers now who are caught so easily with CCTV. When I learnt to drive I am pretty sure that I made mistakes but with less CCTV no one saw them! Poor Chloe got accidentally caught in a bus lane and another time parked in the wrong place. However, I made her pay her own fines so that she learnt the hard way!
8. No using the phones when driving. This is given and another non-negotiable in our house rules for teenagers, the best thing you can do is model this yourself. We do not use phones in cars.
You might not be able to keep a check if they’re following these rules but it is a conversation that is needed. You have to guide them about road safety, and tell them how accidents can happen. Share stories if you have any. Tell them they don’t have to let peer pressure affect them (related to driving and road safety. Also substance abuse)
Most importantly, hug them and let them know you are all they have, and they need you to come back home safe and sound.
Bonding rules
As much as it is important to keep a check on your kids, it is also necessary to have a strong bond with them. Here are some rules that you can form
9. Fridays/ Saturdays = game nights/movie nights if they are home. Use the time that they do sit with you to engage them. Learn to play their video games and challenge them.
Games and movie nights can be a great way to form a relationship with your teenage child. You can even invite their friends. It’s a great way to know who they are friends with, I always found having some good snacks encouraged them to join in with family activities and come out of their bedrooms!
Mental and physical health rules
It’s a whole new world now and we are much more open to acknowledging mental health issues thank goodness. The world is realizing the importance of mental and physical health. It’s time that parents and carers need to educate themselves too, if you don’t know where to start look at the NHS support pages. who offer a wealth of guidance around healthy choices and wellbeing.
Here are some rules you can make your teens abide by.
10. Checking in with them about their mental health.
Teenage years come with emotional turmoil. It is important to ensure that your child doesn’t suppress how they feel. Offer them professional help if they need it. Schools can often make referrals or have access to specialists if required. You can read about my own experience of teenage mental health in this post.
11. Make physical exercise mandatory
Health is often neglected by people when it should be a priority. Make it a rule for your child to indulge themselves in at least 45 minutes of physical exercise every week. Let them find a sport or hobby that makes them happy. My daughter trains every day of the week either playing hockey or at the gym. Our son plays football twice a week and during lockdown, I started running with him so we both got outside.
Personal hygiene can be an issue for some teenagers as they go through puberty, it is quite common for them to avoid washing just because they can’t be bothered. Regular reminders may be necessary for younger teens although I have found by the time they reach 15 /16 they’re usually spending much longer on their appearance and have healthy habits around cleanliness.
Play smart
There will be days when your kids will defy you. Instead of opting for harsh punishments, go for other approaches if you want to parent positively. Try to avoid conflict and raised voices as this seldom works. Here are some alternatives that you can use next time things get heated.
Pocket money restrictions over harsh Punishment – Your kid is dependent on you financially and therefore things are in your favour because you have leverage here. Every time you want to punish your kid, deduct some amount from their pocket money or make them pay fines, these imposed consequences are often more hard-hitting and provide good behavior next time the same or a similar situation arises.
Treat them when they do something good.
As much as it is crucial to protect your teenager, it is also necessary to inculcate good values in them. Teach them to be honest, friendly, to never mock anyone based on class, colour, and body. Teach them to be kind to people and stand up for them, this post on podcasts for teenagers and 55 good role models for kids are great starting points.
Every time they do something good, reward them with a treat to keep them motivated. Remember a treat doesn’t need to be of monetary value either, praise and probably most importantly your time and attention is of immense value to your children.
What are your hacks of parenting? Feel free to share it with us in the comment section.
