Parenting, the days can seem long but the years go quickly! Never has this been more true for me, I look at my kids now who are 22, almost 18 and 12 and I wonder where the time went. Learning how to raise an independent child is bittersweet, I taught them to have an opinion and use it, I taught them to trust in themselves and step boldly forward. Teaching independence is an important way to raise children yet as a parent we want to feel needed and those two things can feel like a push and pull at the same time.
At times I know others thought that I was too free with my parenting approach, that I let my children have too much freedom but for me, it was always done with clear boundaries and the parameters that I had created and I’m so glad that I did it that way. Learning how to raise an independent child was always my end goal.
There have been times that I’ve had to hold my tongue and times when I’ve questioned my decisions but ultimately I look now at two amazing young adults and I know that raising independent children was the best thing I did for them.
My two young adults are now confident, striving forward and have a strong belief in their capabilities, they work hard and are not just coasting in life. I had the same outlook when I was teaching teenagers. In my time as a sixth form tutor and teacher, I knew I was teaching more than Sociology. I saw my role as an educator but also as a fair voice who challenged teenagers positively to make their own choices because the end goal is to become independent adults and confident in our own abilities.
I’m proud to say that I’ve achieved this, I have a very easy relationship with the older two, one has been to university and is back living at home, now working a full time job in an alternative educational provision and has a side hustle as a personal trainer. One who has just applied and been accepted to University to study Finance and Accounting. Our home is harmonious and I have loved parenting them through their teen years.
The youngest has just started high school so I still have one more to deliver into adulthood yet but I’m confident to use the same positive parenting approach that I always have had and this is how to raise an independent child.
There comes a stage in your kid’s life when they have to be on their own. Whether it is after they start a part-time job, go out for college, or commence their full-time career, nevertheless when the time comes, they have to do it like a boss because it is part of life.
When we start a family, we have an idea of the type of parent that we want to be and initially, we don’t think too far beyond the first couple of years, but honestly parenting young children is the easy bit!
Now don’t get me wrong, the sleep deprivation, the monotony, the constant giving of attention but not receiving any back is hard work, soul-destroying even, but at that stage, children are relatively easy, we as parents make the decisions on their behalf, we decide how time is spent, what outside elements we let into their lives and we manage the day to day life.
It is as our children get older that we really need to start thinking and reflecting on our style of parenting. We need to get prepared and consider the best way of raising independent children and that can be hard for us as parents. However, we do want our older child to be able to make good decisions, try new things and have great social skills and if we want that, then we need to give them the skill set from an early age.
We need to teach them appropriate responsibilities and learn important lessons along the way. For many the ultimate goal is to prepare happy, resilient independent young adults, we have to put our own needs second to theirs.
Why is it important for a child to be independent?
In becoming independent, the child also gains a sense of importance and belonging. They feel they are able to contribute to the world and social life surrounding them whether in school or in social situations. They also feel more reassured in their friendship group and better equipped to make decisions.
Letting your child develop independence can be challenging for parents but it is vital. There are so many ways to prepare your child for independence and it should be a gradual process from a young age. Children need to be comfortable with alone time and know that they have the resources inside them to make decisions.
Carl Pickhardt, a psychologist, has written extensively on the stages of adolescence and in his book he shares the common journey, it is a great insight into enabling teenagers to become independent adults and what to expect through the teen years.
14 smart tips how to raise an independent child
Do you want to raise an independent child? Then you need to start today. Raising an independent teenager takes time, it does not happen overnight and more importantly, it needs to start when they are young. If you are scooping them up from a young age and stopping them from making decisions or you are micromanaging their every move you are setting them up to fail.
Resilience and independence don’t just happen, they need to be taught and learnt. Here I share how I bought up my own kids and also the many I taught to be critical independent young adults. I don’t always get it right but I try really really hard to think ahead and positively parent rather than be a reactive parent.
- Don’t be controlling
If you want your kids to do as you tell them to, your kids cannot become independent. Being independent means, they have the freedom to exercise their own decisions, and make their choices; even when you might not agree with some of them. At one point in time, you can only guide them, and let them do as they please. Let them suffer consequences, and learn from their mistakes. Standing back can be hard, too many become helicopter parents and are always ready to pick up the pieces or not let children take risks but this is not good in the long term.
2. Encourage and appreciate the initiative
In order to raise an independent child, you have to be encouraging. The reason behind it is that when kids feel encouraged and appreciated, they learn to trust themselves and their decisions. A child’s confidence can only grow when they step outside of their comfort zone and stretch themselves. Schools talk regularly about having a growth mindset and we need to foster this at home as well as in school. When children have tried something new they will get a sense of accomplishment and this will motivate them again in the future.
3. Let them do their own chores
Spoon-fed kids can have a hard time struggling in the real world, where they have to be on their own. If you would always be there to do their chores, they would always depend on you for everything. And sadly, you cannot be with them at every step of the way, right? Start with simple chores that build confidence, fuel children with success by starting small and building up.
Household chores which include tidying their own rooms, being responsible for putting their own school bag and own lunch together will help prepare them for more responsibility. My kids did their own packed lunch from age 6 or so. Never once have they forgotten to make or take it.
4. Let them fail, don’t clean their mess
Sadly, all of us have made failures a sin, when they’re in reality nothing less than a stepping stone. That being said, you have to raise your child to be unafraid of failures for them to succeed in life.
For that, you have to be mindful of every little reaction of yours. For instance, if they fail a test, or make a mistake, don’t reprimand them for it. Instead tell them, “It’s okay, you’re making mistakes only to do things right the next time.”
5. Encourage them to come out of their comfort zones
Imagine a comfort zone to be a cocoon that doesn’t foster growth but only cages you and keeps you from moving forward in life. Having said that, you have to raise your kids to squeeze out of their comfort zones. This can be done by encouraging them not to choose shortcuts and do things the hard way. As parents, we can help by offering new experiences, my kids tried various sports clubs and activities until they found the ones they settled with. Chloe tried drama, gymnastics, playing the clarinet and dance, Dylan tried kickboxing, rugby and more before knowing that it was football he most enjoyed.
Rather than see each club they left as a failure or waste of money it was heralded as well done for giving it a go and now you know what you don’t enjoy or don’t want to pursue any further. If they didn’t try those clubs they may not have ever tried hockey or football and realised what are their own interests.
6. Enhance their problem-solving skills.
Sadly, there exists no magic wand to erase all the problems in life. Your kids should know that. Instead of fearing and panicking, they should be driven to find solutions to a problem with critical thinking. You can help them enhance their skills by encouraging them to find solutions on their own, instead of offering solutions to them. This is an important part of child development.
7. Let them be accountable
As parents, we are always in the habit of preventing kids from making mistakes. This protectiveness can harm them in the long run. They have to be accountable. They must know that for every action there’s an equal and opposite reaction.
So, if your kid is not listening to you, or doing something wrong, let them do it and suffer the consequences to learn.
8. Give them more responsibilities
Adulthood is all about responsibilities. The only way to prepare them for it is to train them to be responsible. You can do so by giving them responsibilities. So, let them shop for groceries, let them deposit cash, let them handle the budget for the month. Hand your kids the responsibilities for their own good. I have written about teens and financial literacy as I know that many of my former student’s wich they had been taught more about money management.
9. Have faith in them.
Believing in yourself is so important. If you believe you can do something, you certainly can. Thus, if you want your kids to have that self-belief, you have to believe in them first and that is key. Read that again, what I am saying is that if you want your kids to have faith in themselves then we need to model that behaviour and show that we believe in them first. We demonstrate this in the building blocks we give our young people. We need to let them do new tasks, we need to let them experience different situations their way and we need to give a free rein to try things.
10. Encourage friendships and playdates with a wide range of people.
In recent years playdates seem to all involve the parents too which actually doesn’t necessarily help your child to be independent. If you are always on hand to smooth over slight disagreements, step in and manage the activities or direct the play then you are too involved. Children need to negotiate these friendships themselves as it is a great way of learning how to interact with others. Children are often social creatures and can work these things out themselves, they will do a good job on play dates and learn the effective way of managing these situations if we give them the space to do so.
When my son was about 10/11 he started playing out with school friends and a few were not nice to him. It took all my strength not to intervene, I had to let him work it out and he quickly did. I could have told the other parents, I could have stopped my son from going out altogether but I didn’t, instead, I gently questioned things to help him see what was happening.
He learnt a lot of important life skills from that experience and learnt to trust himself when it came to finding a new friend and friendship groups in secondary school.
11. Suggest don’t Intervene if you want to learn how to raise an independent child
Learning to make decisions is a skill. I have a coaching qualification and one of my core beliefs is that we have the answers within us to make decisions for ourselves and this doesn’t just work for adults. By giving children choices from a young age we demonstrate that we have faith in them to come to a decision. We are also promoting independent thinking and problem-solving techniques.
As parents and carers, we can suggest things by asking open-ended questions, a simple question that provides choice is empowering to younger children and encourages their own responsibilities going forward.
12. Be supportive
Supportive parents not only raise independent kids but positive-minded kids. It doesn’t mean you support them even when they are wrong, but being supportive means you are there for them – not to handle their mess, but to have their back as they handle it on their own. As my kids got older so did their responsibilities and they always knew that. I don’t expect them always to get things right but they know that I’ve got their back, if they admit to their mistakes then I have their back and will stand with them to sort things out.
As a mum of teenagers, I had ground rules, I always wanted to know where they are but that is from a safety point, I didn’t say no to parties or going to new places, my son was travelling the length of the country at 15 to watch football games, but I always knew how he was travelling and where he was.
Chloe went to festivals from age 15/16 and again I gave her the freedom she needed, it wasn’t always an easy task for me, especially the first time with a teenage daughter but I held my tongue and my nerve. It paid off and we have such a close relationship now. She still lives at home at age 22 and that in itself shows me that we did a great job as she is in no rush to move out.
13. Teach them money-management
Earning money is one thing but managing it is another. Truthfully, our future rests on it. If your kids know how to manage money, they can spare themselves from a heavy money crisis in the future. To teach them money management, you can provide allowances, guide them, and learn about it on their own. Again I have achieved this with pocket money – I gave clear expectations on how much money I would give them each week and what it was to be used for. Quite simply they don’t get more and have had to make choices that have taught them the value of money.
Pocket money is a really good idea in my book because without understanding money management things can go really wrong in adulthood.
My older too both had part-time jobs after GCSE’s too not only does this teach financial literacy but other important basic skills like punctuality, time management, communication skills and more. This is an excellent way to raise an independent child.
14. Lastly, let them follow your footsteps
Your kids would learn some things on their own, but the most, they’ll learn from you. So, you have to make sure you do the right thing, manage money smartly and show that are responsible, smart, careful, and independent yourself.
Do you have some more tips on how to raise an independent child? Feel free to share them with us in the comment section.
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