We’ve all heard it before—perhaps even said it ourselves. “It’s just banter.” It’s a phrase that’s thrown around in schools, workplaces, and even among friends. But when does ‘banter’ cross the line? The truth is, this seemingly harmless term has become a dangerous excuse for bullying and unkind behaviour, allowing people to evade responsibility for the harm they cause.
I hear teenagers in schools use the word banter as an explanation of when they have said something inappropriate and when boys especially are spouting misogynistic and homophobic comments to each other or to girls.
This week I wrote about my experiences of misogyny as a teacher in schools and I want to dig deeper into the culture that surrounds this. The Netflix show Adolescence has shone a light on toxic masculinity and the public appear to be ready to acknowledge or want to know more of whats going on behind the school gates, closed bedroom doors and in the conversations teens are having.
So lets go there…
What is Banter?
Banter is often defined as playful, friendly teasing or joking between people who share mutual respect. In its purest form, it should be lighthearted and enjoyable for all involved. However, in many cases, ‘banter’ is used to disguise cruel remarks, put-downs, and even bullying. When someone is left feeling hurt, humiliated, or excluded, it ceases to be harmless fun—it becomes an attack.
When I have challenged teenagers in school for using everyday sexism, or for students saying misogynistic comments about other students mums (it is invariably something sexual) or comments to females in the room I have been met with ‘its only banter’.
Last year I had a conversation with some year 7 boys about this exact thing and I told them banter was not ok. Banter was an excuse to justify their name calling and hurtful comments. They understood what I was saying and ended up agreeing with me. I’m not saying that they will never again use the term but I hope it gave them to opportunity to reflect and learn going forward.
At the time I was delivering self leadership sessions in various schools and was in a position where I could have these important conversations. That work has now been cut due to funding and people need to know this. We want to see a societal change on how we challenge and manage the growing issue of toxic masculinity but where does this start and continue?
Who is having these conversations? Where do parents want to see these topics being addressed. I believe it needs a multifaceted approach coming from educators, parents and the tech companies.
The Problem with the ‘It’s Just Banter’ Excuse
The phrase “it’s just banter” is commonly used to dismiss or justify unkind words and actions. Here’s why that’s a problem:
- It Shifts Blame onto the Victim – When someone is hurt by a comment, saying “it’s just banter” implies that they are overreacting or being too sensitive. This gaslighting technique invalidates their feelings and allows the perpetrator to dodge accountability.
- It Normalises Hurtful Behaviour – Labelling bullying as ‘banter’ normalises toxic interactions. It teaches people that making cruel jokes at someone else’s expense is acceptable, creating a culture where people feel unsafe to express discomfort.
- It Creates a Power Imbalance – ‘Banter’ is often used as a tool for dominance. If one person feels uncomfortable but is pressured to laugh along to fit in, it is no longer an equal exchange of jokes—it becomes coercive and manipulative.
- It Undermines Genuine Friendships – True friendships are built on trust and mutual respect. If someone repeatedly uses ‘banter’ as a cover for nasty comments, they are not being a good friend. Healthy relationships don’t require constant ‘ribbing’ at someone else’s expense.
Recognising the Difference Between Banter and Bullying
It’s important to recognise when teasing has crossed the line. Here are some signs that ‘banter’ has become harmful:
- The joke is consistently aimed at one person.
- The recipient appears uncomfortable, upset, or isolated.
- There is a power imbalance (e.g., a senior colleague making jokes about a junior employee).
- The same person is repeatedly the target, rather than jokes being fairly exchanged.
- The person delivering the ‘banter’ gets defensive or dismissive when challenged.
How to Change the Narrative
If we want to create kinder, more respectful environments, we must stop excusing harmful behaviour as ‘banter’. Here’s how:
- Call It Out – If you hear someone using ‘banter’ as a cover for unkindness, challenge it. Ask, “Is everyone actually enjoying this?” or “Would you be okay if someone said that to you?”
- Empathise with Others – Before making a joke at someone’s expense, consider how they might feel. If there’s a chance they could be hurt, it’s best left unsaid.
- Encourage Open Conversations – Make it clear that people have the right to set boundaries. If someone expresses discomfort, respect their feelings instead of dismissing them as ‘too sensitive’.
- Model Positive Behaviour – Whether at home, work, or school, lead by example. Show that kindness and humour can coexist without belittling others.
Final Thoughts
Language is powerful, and how we frame our words matters. Using ‘banter’ as a shield for bullying is not harmless—it contributes to a culture where unkindness and misogyny is tolerated and excused. By being more mindful of our words and holding ourselves and others accountable, we can foster environments that are respectful and equal.
Let’s stop using ‘banter’ as an excuse and start promoting genuine kindness instead. If you want to read more on how to support your teenagers and how to raise empathetic, kind young people start by reading and sharing some of the below posts.
