Why do teenagers lie is a frequently asked question in parenting groups, and today we are sharing the truth behind why our children lie so frequently!
It’s the truth, teenagers lie, but as parents, we want to know exactly why do teenagers lie? If you think back to your teen years you will probably be able to recall some of the lies you told, some may be small – I haven’t got any homework, no I haven’t been drinking, other lies might be bigger. You may be asking ‘why do teenagers lie?’ and how should I address it, it can make you question your relationship and your parenting style.
Here we are looking at the implications of teenagers lying and some effective strategies around parenting teenagers who lie.
Unfortunately, it’s fairly common for teenagers to adopt dishonest practices as they reach adolescence and beyond. This may leave parents feeling disappointed – both in their own child and in themselves as a guardian figure. However, it’s important to recognise that teen lying is not a result of poor parenting, but rather, something natural that most adolescents go through.
While some teenagers adopt deceitful habits as a way to break rules, engage in risky behavior and create chaos, others find that lying is a helpful — albeit an unhealthy way — to avoid conflict. If you find that your teenager is lying, it is important to make this distinction in your efforts to help them.
Pinpointing exactly why your teenager feels the need to lie will help determine how to approach them (at least in a manner that does not encourage more dishonestly). This article will discuss why do teenagers lie so that next time you may understand where your teen is coming from.
Why do teenagers lie? We explain!
Before we look at the reasons why a child lies it is an important thing to remember is that you probably lied too! Can you think of examples of when you lied as a teenager, it maybe to have got your own way, it maybe because of alcohol use, peer pressure or your own mental health. It is natural to push boundaries as we develop and it doesn’t mean that your teenager will become a problematic liar in adulthood.
Physiological changes in the brain
According to Health Enews, studies show that teenagers lie more than any other age group. Statistics show that this is primarily because their brains, especially their prefrontal cortex (which controls decision making), have not been fully formed.
As a result, teenagers tend to partake in greater risk-taking and make more impulsive decisions and not do the right thing. Naturally, to supplement these actions, they may lie to protect themselves from getting in trouble.
Luckily, as the brain progresses through puberty into early adulthood, adolescents develop better emotional regulation and impulse control. As the brain matures, they usually become more honest and well-rounded people.
Contempt of rules
As teenagers grow towards adulthood, they work to establish their sense of self and find autonomy and this can help us answer the question of why do teenagers lie.
Some teenagers may decide that rules aren’t fair and may justify lying to get around them. Others may recognise the importance of rules, but may break them if they feel they may get away with it.
Regardless, more often than not, these decisions indicate poor judgement and lead to more issues in the future. In these cases it will help to have open communication with your young people, which rules are they struggling with? Do they have justification for this? Teenagers are more likely to make good decisions when they engage with rules, sanctions as such will make better choices. There may be room for negotiating on some family rules for example – as parents decide your non negotiables then see which other rules you can relax on. For me, I must have a time for my teenagers to be home but if they go to bed after me that is fine.
Misguided kindness
The teenage years are a critical learning point for many individuals. They experience a period of rapid self-development, where they formulate their identities and figure out where they stand in the world
Unfortunately, because teenagers do not have the wide social know-how that develops over time, they often lie to make others feel better. For example, they may tell small fibs to protect other people’s feelings. They are learning the social rules of society here and although they may make mistakes they are navigating moral and ethical decisions internally.
Independence
As young children grow into their teen years and become more comfortable in their abilities, they may seek greater independence from the family.
As adolescents get older, they become more inclined to push predefined boundaries as an attempt to redefine and discover who they are. Maybe in the past, you didn’t let them stay up after 10 PM. With their newfound risk-taking brain, they may ignore the fact that they have school the next day and stay up on their phone until 4 AM.
As a result, when you find them sluggish the next day and ask them what they were doing last night – they may not want to tell you and lie to protect their privacy but the natural consequence. is that they will feel tired. While it can be difficult to adjust to your teenager sharing less with you, this is a normal first step in the process of growing up.
It is your job as a parent to ensure an environment where your child feels comfortable sharing with you and find a balance between your child being honest and sharing with you and respecting their privacy.
Don’t worry – they’ll get over it.
An attempt to avoid consequences
We’ve all lied to avoid getting in trouble at some point in our lives – teenagers are no different. We all learn to lie at a very young age, at around 2 to 3 years old, and, over time, we harness it to our advantage
As I mentioned earlier, teenagers like to experiment in risk-taking activities. As a result, they are more inclined to lie about their actions. Regardless of how old you are – the fear of consequences never goes away.
Therefore, if you find that your children are lying, it is best to reprimand them accordingly with effective consequences. For most teens, a stern talk, extra chores or grounding will be enough to steer them away from dishonest practices.
Here are a few ways to deal with a teenager who lies
Patience and understanding
If you find that your teen lies, you need to approach this issue with patience and understanding. Hitting the issue head-on may lead to more deceit and may make them more reluctant to express their feelings. Approach your child with respect and kindness and stress the importance of honesty with them.
Consider the purpose of the lie
Of course, if your child was seeking to do good (for example, protecting another person’s feelings), then your response should account for this accordingly. Typically, with a much smaller punishment (if the lie warrants any at all).
Here are a few ways that people lie:
- Avoidance: steering the conversation away from potential issues
- Omission: purposefully failing to tell you something relevant, this may require a more severe punishment as there is intent behind it.
- Commission: saying something untrue which again is a more serious issue.
Whilst each is an example of a lie, some are potentially worse than others and can help you determine why your child chose dishonesty. There is the saying little white lies hurt nobody and this can muddy the water for teenagers who often thrive best with clear rules.
Consider the implications of your parenting style
Whilst there is no doubt that as a parent you try and do the best for the child, it is worth considering if there is something in your parenting style you could adjust. Does your teenager feel able to challenge you with honest communication? Or are they able to share their feelings with you openly?
It can be difficult finding the balance between protecting your teen, giving them privacy and allowing them to develop their own self of sense, and these needs will change as your child develops. A good relationship is key when parenting teenagers and so take a deep breath and be open to accepting your role too.
Be honest
When confronting your child about lies, be honest about how it makes you feel. Once you have taken the time to understand and listen, not only will your child feel that you have valued their view and acknowledged their perspective, but they will be keen to see your response.
While you should not seek to upset your child, explaining your feelings of disappointment, and reasonable concerns, will resonate and – whether or not they openly admit it – will make them consider the implication of their actions.
As a result, making it harder to justify further lies in the future.
Consider what you think are appropriate consequences for lying, have a discussion and make the sanctions match the level of the lie. I have found asking the caught out teenager what they think should be the punishment an interesting tactic. They are often quite harsh on themselves! If your teen is always telling huge lies that lead them to be vulnerable it may be time to get professional help to find out the root cause of their behaviour.
Final Thoughts
Despite our best efforts to instill and reinforce a strong sense of honesty in our children, it’s not uncommon for teens to adopt deceitful practices.
Luckily, dishonestly is something that peaks in adolescence and usually goes away with time. However, this does not mean that you should tolerate any sort of misbehavior.
Approach your teen with respect, but give them a firm reprimand. Ensure that they understand that any sort of lying will not be tolerated and that it will usually be met with greater consequences. It may not seem like it, but your child will appreciate the boundaries later on.
