The first time I was drunk I threw up in my dad’s car. It was a month after my sixteenth birthday. It was a good friends birthday. My friend was way cooler than me. I was always surprised that she liked me but we genuinely got on really well. On the evening of her party I arrived alcohol free. There was no way I had access to bringing alcohol with me. Although I grew up in home where I often had a Martini and lemonade with Sunday Lunch. Although alcohol was not off limits in our house I never would have thought to ask mum to give me some for a party. Time has changed since the though which is why I ask ‘Would you buy your teenager alcohol? A parenting dilemma’
Instead I swigged some awful wine from a bottle, I can’t remember if it was red or white. It didn’t matter, I can’t even recall how much of the wine I drank but certainly enough to make me ill. My dad picked me up at the agreed time and I was clearly incapable of much. I denied being drunk, I even denied being sick as I sat there with vomit in my lap. Once home I was put to bed with the words ringing in my ears to lie on my side because if I laid on my back I would vomit, choke and die! Thanks for that Mum!
Now my own daughter is a similar age I am facing parenting decisions that I don’t feel ready and qualified to take. There is a party next week and some of her friends will be drinking. Do I do as my parents did or do I parent differently? Being a teacher and having many years of working with teenagers I can’t pretend I don’t know this is coming. I can’t play a game of ignorance when I have listened to my students talk for many a year.
Would you buy your teenager alcohol? A parenting dilemma
I know what goes on and I am also a young enough mum to remember what it is like at her age. I champion teenagers whenever I can with campaigns like no likes needed and complain when the media demonise teenagers. But I am not immune to the fact that teenagers sometimes make bad decisions based on their inexperience. This is now often fuelled by social media, where photos end up being shared widely. At least my own mistakes were not recorded and shared across social media via smartphones. My mistakes were soon forgotten. Now it is often plastered across the web and our children have to deal with that too. There are many stories of things being shared that we would rather keep buried, mobile phone companies and vodaphone customer service are used to the fallout.
I believe that I have a great relationship with my teen. We talk and are very close but I am not naive enough to think I know everything about her. I am sure there are secrets whispered to friends. That there are confidences shared between her circle of girls that I can only imagine. It is not my place to know every detail. If truth be told I always find it rather strange when I hear a woman of my age saying her best friend is her daughter and that daughter is some twenty plus years younger. I am not my daughters best friend, I am her mother. Older, wiser and the one still legally responsible for her and the one to set the ground rules.
So back to the party, I have to accept that she is growing up. I have to acknowledge that she is starting to want to try new things and that includes alcohol. So do I be the mum that lets someone else pass her the a bottle of cheap wine or do I choose to give her the alcohol that I am happy for her to drink? Whilst we can bury our heads in the ‘it is not legal debate’ that doesn’t really help make informed decisions. Likewise it is easy to make a decision when you are rocking an infant in your arms and you set out your ideals for the future. But when that infant is now a young person who has come to you because they feel that they can ask you and listen to what you say do you hand out the Bulmers with a warning?
This feels like one of the big parenting decisions that I have to make. I want to get it right, to pave the way forward as we enter the next stage independence. Therefore I have made some decisions of sorts, I have bought the Bulmers, just two bottles mind. However I am not encouraging her to drink but I will make sure what she is drinking is safe. I will not buy her friends alcohol, they need to have a conversation with their parents who can make their informed choices. I hope that by doing this I am keeping the communication open that she knows I have her back and will continue to parent with boundaries and I hope that I am getting it right.
As for me after THAT party, I was woken up, told to shower and get dressed. Handed a bowl of soapy water and a sponge and told to clean dads car inside and out.
To those of you with babies, snuggle them, inhale them as soon enough they are taller than you. I personally think parenting just gets more complicated!
16 Responses
My son is about a year older but he was probably about your daughter’s age when he first went to a party. At the time, I didn’t feel ready for it at all! We had let him have a beer or small glass of wine with dinner at home with us but setting them free to party seems like a whole scary new ball game! We decided that we would buy him alcohol to take in the end. I would rather know what he is drinking and ‘teach’ him to drink responsibly. We talked to him about sticking to beer or cider and avoiding dodgy spirits or mixing his drinks. It’s hard but it’s that time when you have to trust that you’ve taught them well enough to set them free. If I’m being honest, I’m not totally okay with buying him alcohol but I’d rather that than him not tell me where he’s going and drink goodness knows what. He regularly goes to parties now and yes, there is always alcohol. He does get tipsy but has never fallen over drunk. Yet. Although I am still waiting for that to inevitably happen, it’s a teenage rite of passage I guess? Teenagers are HARD!
so so hard I think. I am not ‘totally ok’ about it either. However Ii do feel that I am doing the right thing.
I think I would do the same as you Emma. Although we haven’t been faced with this dilemma as yet, I would prefer to know what they were drinking and how much (assume the parents whose party it was, is ok with that!). I’m sure this time will come VERY soon here. Lots of 16th birthdays coming up and they don’t seem to be a party without alcohol. Parenting definitely gets harder. x
Parents will be there thankfully. They are sleeping in there summer house or something like that! I’d never let them party in my house.
It’s that dilemma of I’d rather let them have it in a ‘controlled’ environment than sitting in some park swigging it from a bottle. I think it’s important not to make it a blanket ‘ you cannot drink alcohol until you are 18’ as you only make them want to do it more
Agreed and I thinks its unrealistic that they are not going to touch alcohol before that.
It’s a dilemma but I’d do exactly what you’ve done.
It’s a talk we’ve had recently with our 13 year old as I know that some people in her class had a party where there was alcohol but she’s just too young right now. I felt awful saying no as she’d come to me openly and not tried to hide it as some of her friends were but I rewarded her honesty by taking her and a few other friends who weren’t allowed to go to a theme park for the day.
Gosh though 13 is very young. I’d have no said at that age without hesitation.
It sounds like you’re doing a very sensible thing, but as a life-long teetotaller, this is something I’m going to struggle with! My son is 14 and I remember my friends drinking from 16 (and my brother drinking from 15), so it’s not too far off now. But there’s no way I will ever buy him alcohol! I hate even buying it for my husband.
What a difficult decision and one that I’m hoping to put off as long as possible! My parents never bought alcohol for me to take out with my friends (although I never actually thought to ask them to!) but they must have known that my friends and I were drinking, although we were quite sensible. I’m not sure about buying alcohol for my children, but like you say I’d rather know what they were up to and if it meant buying them a bottle of wine rather than them drinking a mix of random drinks then I’d find that preferable.
Great post Emma and very thought provoking. My eldest is 20 and now drinking regularly at 20 we talked about it, I warned him about the risks and he has always been relatively sensible. I think it is different with girls however as drinking can lead them into difficult situations and I think you are right to be so open about it
What a great post. My daughters are small yet (4 and 7) but I can feel the puberty talks looming. The alcohol one will be here soon enough too! I regularly have a glass of wine or two over a week, and when the girls are older they will be welcome to join me. But the party scene – that’s a different breed altogether. I personally feel you handled it gracefully. As long as you’ve been open all along, it should follow that kiddos will continue to be honest with you and ask your opinions. I’d like to believe I will also supply a drink or two when my girls go to a party, but it’s much too early for me to really weigh in on this idea. I enjoyed your post and your honestly. Well done Mom! 😀
I was 14 and far too grown up for my age (or so I thought). I think the key is to keep talking and being open with your teen and you are doin that. of course there will be some obstacles but you’ll do fne I’m sure. Mich x
Oh no what a tough decision, I am dreading those days to be honest. I’ll be coming to you for advice. x
My 15 year old ( just) has been going to parties where there is alcohol for some time now . She’s a good kid but easily influenced and eager to fit in as most teenagers are. She has two big sisters who to my knowledge didn’t start going to parties with alcohol there until they were about 16. We don’t give her drink to take but some how the kids there do get hold of it. Recently a group of 14 year old girls were able to buy vodka from a local corner shop! When discovered the vodka was taken back and the shop keeper given a strong talking to by the parent but it seems that this particular shop us well known for happily selling alcohol to underage kids. It’s such a hard issue to deal with – as with others we don’t want our daughter drinking in the park, we do allow a drink at home occasionally and certainly enjoy a responsible drink ourselves but despite lots of open channels of communication teens will always find a way to push the boundaries
Legally that’s fine (I haven’t read all the comments btw) – as in a private place you can drink over the age of 5. Personally I wish it was illegal – to everyone under 21 but hey. I started drinking when I was 8 – yes 8, I have written a blog post about the dangers and associated risks statistically for those who start drinking early. My fear would be how could you be certain that she would only drink the drinks you have bought ? Is not part of the fun sneaking about anyway. Me and my friend ended up drinking cooking sherry – and still laugh about it now. Also the problem I have is “oh but my peers are doing it”- but that’s because their parents let them.
But we all do things differently and I know I let my kids on computer games far too much.