Our kids learn a lot through observation. How we talk to them, and the tone we use influence how little kids will react, or listen to us. It can be frustrating when your kids are not listening when you try to connect with them. When you find yourself in such a situation, you should acknowledge that something is amiss and find a way to get their attention. In this article, we offer you innovative ways on how to talk so kids will listen.
We’ve all been there when we are talking to our children whether they are tweens or teenagers, and they are just looking at us blankly or we know that they are not really hearing us. You can tell when someone is actually listening so if you are not receiving those cues then you are probably not really being heard!
There are a number of reasons that our kids may not be listening to us so we need to tune in to them and consider what is blocking the communication and then we are beginning to understand how to talk so kids will listen with fresh insights.
Talking so that children listen is a real skill and as I’ve said so many times previously parenting doesn’t come with a manual and we only learn over time how to be a good parent. As a teacher and parenting coach, I have honed my skill set from years spent in the classroom and also raising my own teenagers.
How do we talk for listening?
Consider who you listen to and why you listen. If someone talks by yelling or shouting then we instantly switch off. Same if you mumble or are very quiet. Therefore as a parent, we need to think about how we talk as well as how we listen. We model good communication skills and it involves more than just having a listening ear. If we want our children and teenagers to listen to us, we need to speak with confidence, clarity and purpose.
13 Ways to talk so kids listen
Use the following 13 techniques to get your kids listening with intent when you talk as they can be a big help in improving communication skills.
Maybe your kids are not listening to you because they are too busy dealing with some kind of emotion. Maybe you do not help in de-escalating the situation because you yell at them instead of trying to understand what they may be going through.
Emotions in kids influence the way they behave. As parents we need to be open to every kind of feeling or emotion they may be having; anger, frustration, joy, anxiety, or fear. If you want to connect with them, you should understand the source of this emotion first. Acknowledge those feelings and find a way to make the children feel that you care about them. One of the most common problems is not getting to the root cause of children’s emotions as they often have strong feelings that need exploring.
Learn to listen to them first, before talking
Do you ever give your kids space and time to speak to you? Do you find time to listen to what they are going through? Kids (especially teens) may be going through a rough time and hide everything from us. It is our job as parents to find out how they are doing so that we can establish a better bond and real connection with them.
Maybe your young person got bullied in school but they are afraid of telling you. Maybe they did something wrong and cannot tell you because they fear the consequences. Maybe all you do is give orders without pausing to consider their opinions, if that’s you, then you need to understand more about positive parenting. Whatever the case, learn to listen to them in the first place, and in return, they will also listen to you. The parent-child relationship is complex and needs constant work, older teenagers especially will want your undivided attention when they are talking. One tip is that I always call out to them when they get in at the end of the day and make time for a one to one conversation.
Do you inspire self-confidence in your kids?
When talking to your kids, have you ever wondered what kind of emotion you invoke in them? If you are constantly yelling with an angry voice or making accusations, your kids are likely to develop a mental bumper to protect themselves from this barrage. We need to learn to slow down and learn how to talk so kids will listen.
If you are the kind of parent who practices positive reinforcement in parenting, your kids will be bound to listen to you, even when they know they have done something wrong. When talking to your kids, remind them that you love them unconditionally but you are still mad about what they did. If possible, give them a chance to explain why they did something then you may find a way forward.
Get to their level
This works with children of all ages. If you want your kids to listen to you, use eye contact during your little exchange. Children respond well when you are dealing with them at their level. Yelling or raising your voice triggers more panic and then nobody is going to listen to anyone, it simply invokes a fight or flight response. Talk calmly, in soft tones, even when you want to punish them for doing something wrong. You can also physically get to their level, if your child is sitting down when you are talking then mirror this. Towering over someone is immediately overpowering physically but it can also feel threatening and can cause defensiveness., yet being at their level often produces good results.
Use their name when talking to them
When talking to your kids, call them by name. This is a way of connecting with them first to gain their full attention before addressing whatever issue they are facing.
Give them choices
Giving your kids choices gives them the illusion that they are in charge of a particular activity. For instance, when they are dressing up in the morning, ask them to suggest what they would like to wear. One tip I have here is to give the illusion of choice. Rather than a blanket choice give a choice between a couple of options. Then you have already made part of the decision but are still allowing them to have some input. This kind of talk is very powerful when having conversations. Examples are “Which jumper would you like to put on, the red one or the blue one?” or “When you finish your homework, you can then watch tv.”
Be fully attentive
When speaking with your kids, do not get distracted. They can tell when you are not attentive. Remember that communication is a two-way channel. If you want them to listen to you, you have to give them the attention they deserve. I make sure that I physically put down my phone or laptop when we are talking. communication skills are important for us all to model.
Set up routines
To avoid constant confrontation with your kids, set up routines that they will understand and comply with. For instance, they should know that once they wake up in the morning, they should brush their teeth, go to the toilet, and dress. Once this becomes a habit, you will not have many conflicts and if they forget to do something, you only need to remind them once. Routines create expectations. Once they understand the routine, they will know that they have the responsibility to follow through with it.
Be calm when talking to them
Kids can learn a lot from how parents behave. If you want them to be nice and responsive, speak calmly and nicely to them. Do not always be quick to criticize whenever they do something wrong. Many parents have embraced the positive parenting approach and don’t use the word no, and this also fits with the Montessori parenting approach which respects and encourages children’s feelings.
Let them learn from their mistakes
Sometimes maintaining a distance and observation stance can work better than engaging in a confrontation every time your kids have made a mistake. If it’s something that does not endanger them, let them learn from that mistake. Ask them about what they have learned and whether they will repeat the same mistake in the future. It will be a chance to connect on a deeper level.
Praise them when they do something good
Whenever your child does something good, be quick to offer them praise. It is a recognition of their efforts and their accomplishments. Do not offer empty or unwarranted praises because this does not help to improve their self-esteem.
Talk about your feelings
Train your kids on how to understand other people’s feelings as well. They should know that their actions have consequences. When they do, they become more empathetic when listening to you. Say what you mean. Do not create ambiguous situations for your kids.
Do not compare your kids
The last thing is that even when your kids have made a mistake, do not compare them with other kids. Blaming, threatening, lecturing, name-calling will only make them more stubborn and more likely to be rebellious in the future. Encourage them to speak to you about what they are going through. If possible, let them give you suggestions on how they can solve the problem they have. You may be surprised to find that they have great ideas to deal with difficult circumstances.
For more like this read my tips on how to communicate with teens.
If you are looking to introduce more positivity into your life then I can suggest reading 21 Unforgettable Positive Thinking Books (To Read in 2022) I hope this post has helped you reflect on your listening skills and given you the tools to talk so kids will listen.
If you are looking for more resources then you might be interested in the parenting book by Elaine Mazlish which is an easy read and aims to provide effective step by step techniques to help you improve and enrich your relationships with your children.
