Are you questioning how to deal with pre-teenager attitude? Are attitude problems showing up, family rules being challenged and intense emotions rearing their heads? If this resonates with you don’t worry the transition from child to teenager is starting but you will get through it!
During this time the parent-child relationship will change but it can be rewarding and fun along the way and in this blog post we are sharing the best way to manage this phase.
When we think about our children growing up, many of us believe that the teenage years will be the hardest. And then the pre-teen or tween years begin, and we wonder whether it can become any more challenging.
The pre-teen stage, which occurs roughly between ages 9 and 12, is an official development stage in a child’s life. This short period of time is filled with changes and power struggles, many of which are somewhat surprising for both you and your preteen girls. And don’t forget that, in amongst puberty, your child will also be expected to leave behind the routine they have had for up to seven years in primary school when they move up to secondary.
Understanding pre teenager development
Pre-teens go through a number of physiological and emotional changes which result in brain changes and emotional outbursts. You are not alone if are questioning where your once sweet child has gone. Instead, you might be witnessing negative attitudes and early teen behaviour. Well, we have you covered by explaining these changes and how to deal with a pre-teenage attitude whilst maintaining a good relationship!
Cognitive Changes
Perhaps the most significant changes for us parents are the different ways in which our children start to think. They become more concerned with what other people are thinking about them, critiquing themselves in many ways. Furthermore, they start to question their existing beliefs and ethics, wondering if they got it right. You may begin to see them rejecting things that they previously embraced. The teenage brain is still not fully developed and it will still take a good few years yet before it will be.
Physical Changes
The tween stage can be a difficult time, in particular for girls, when puberty is happening at its most rapid rate. For girls, breasts may develop, hips start to widen, and they could begin to grow pubic hair. For preteen boys, their voices may change and hair starts growing. Both sexes may also have a growth spurt. For many, these changes can be both confusing and embarrassing and result in a bad attitude.
Emotional Changes
Everyone is susceptible to being grumpy every now and again, but when it comes to becoming a pre-teen, the hormones are flying all over the place regularly, and mood swings are likely a standard part of daily life for your child. While it is difficult for the parents and other family members sharing the same household, consider how it must feel for your pre-teen, experiencing emotions over which they have very little control. It is a challenge for all in this age group.
How to deal with pre teenager attitude in 21 ways
While these changes are going to happen, whether your pre-tween and you like it or not, there remain measures you can take to minimise the impact they have on your bond. It is also an important thing to remember is that this phase or developmental stage will also pass. Here are 20 ways in which you could work with your pre-teen to manage your relationship successfully:
1. Take time to talk
Ok, so getting more than two words out of your pre-teen could seem like an insurmountable challenge, but that does not allow you to give up. In fact, the time you take to talk to them could be at the dinner table, while you are straightening their hair, in the car on the way to school or in any number of informal situations. When you were that age, you will probably remember thinking that your parents had absolutely zero idea of how you were feeling. Your kids will undoubtedly feel similar. Talking could change that.
2. Do not overreact
Things will go wrong for your pre-teen. In life, we all make bad decisions. While you can show disappointment or disapproval at their choices, overreacting could lead to the gap between the two of you becoming a gaping chasm instead.
3. Organise time together
Doing things just the two in the preteen years remains an important part of your relationship whatever the age of your child. Whether it’s going on a shopping trip or watching a film at the cinema, spending time together doing something enjoyable will definitely help to keep your relationship a positive one. Quality time with your young adult is just as important as it always has been.
4. Take an interest
Taking an interest in there’s ensures that there is something of worth (in their opinion) for the two of you to talk about. It could be a TV programme or a music artist. Whatever they like, try to find something that will be as pain-free as possible for you to get into as well.
5. Avoid criticism
You may wish to publicly declare that what your pre-teen believes does not sit well with your beliefs and is not how you raised them, but in doing so, you would be undermining the relationship you have built with your child. Avoid criticism, both at home and in public, to show them that you can disagree but that you will not resort to humiliation. During this challenging time it can be hard not to moan or criticise but learn to hold your tongue and pick the battles that actually matter.
6. Talk openly about sex
With puberty comes the natural feelings of attraction towards others for most people, and so thoughts will automatically drift towards sex. It is not a taboo subject and being open about the matter ensures that your tween can come and discuss things with you. Wouldn’t you rather be the person they came to with pressing questions than them learning things from porn videos or searching online for the answers? Hormonal changes impact massively on our kids and if you are not comfortable with that, we suggest reading up on it yourself so that you can support older kids. Managing our own emotions is also important.
7. Retain an open mind
Things have changed dramatically since you were a tween yourself. Today’s tweens see your generation as being restricted and gender, sexuality and everything else all had to be labelled. Today, ticking those boxes is far less important, people are more fluid and open to whatever they feel they are, want to be or are keen to do. While it might not feel right to you, retaining an open mind is essential. Your parents probably felt similar about you at this stage, too. It’s a good idea to not fix on identity or labels as things change during these years.
8. Talk to their friends
You may not like the people your child hangs around with. However, being pleasant and taking time to get to know their friends, their backgrounds and their interests will help the relationship you have with both your child and the people they spend a lot of time with. Knowing about them and being able to ask how they are or how their football trial went, for example, shows your child that you care.
9. Allow them privacy
Now, no one is advocating you removing all restrictions on their screen time or allowing them access to any app they want on their phone but allowing them privacy is essential. This could mean that they will spend more time in their bedroom, most likely with the door closed, than previously. And that is ok. It may feel as though they are being antisocial, but they are simply growing up and their interests, thoughts and feelings are changing, too.
10. Give them more responsibility
While the thought of giving your child more jobs to do around the house might seem an impossibility, catching your child at the right moment and offering them something to do that might feel more mature could help your relationship. Showing them trust and asking them to go to the shops, alone, to purchase something on your behalf along with giving them the money transfers respect and responsibility to them. Even offering them the opportunity to prepare the evening meal for the family could be a winner for you all.
11. Continue traditions
There are some ways in which your children will never want you to stop treating them the same as you did when they were five. Traditions linked to Christmas and birthdays are probably those times. Filling stockings at Christmas remains exciting whatever your age, and if you dare to stop and prevent them from reliving this fun year after year, your relationship will probably suffer as a result. The same goes for Easter eggs – every pre-teen still wants to receive a treat from the Easter Bunny!
12. Take a step back
It is hard to go from being a hands-on parent to not being quite as involved, but as a pre-teen, your child will thank you for taking a step back in certain circumstances. When they were younger, if they had had a falling out with a mutual friend’s child, it would be expected that you and the other parent would have a chat and try to help solve it, perhaps.
Now that your child is older, this approach is not appropriate. While you could do something casually if you are seeing the parent, purposefully ringing the child or the parent could land you in hot water with your tween. They might prefer to sort the situation out themselves or the friendship may even have run its course. Follow their lead, though, as they might ask for your help.
13. Do not parent alone
Even if you are a single parent, you cannot be expected to raise your child alone. They say that it takes a village, and this could work in your favour when it comes to ensuring the relationship you have with your pre-teen is a positive one. Encouraging other adults involved in your child’s life to offer advice, in line with what your opinions too, could help to avoid any fall outs with you. In fact, in some cases, particularly delicate matters, your child may listen to what they have to say when they certainly would not if it had been you dishing out the words of wisdom.
14. Model your expectations
As parents, we all have different expectations when it comes to our children’s behaviour. If you want to receive respect and to see politeness, it is unacceptable to do so if you are not modelling those things. Rudeness and treating your child with a lack of respect will certainly not lead to receiving those things willingly, rather through anxiety or fear.
15. Champion your child
The tween stage is when they start to become embarrassed about having a hug or kiss from their parents or even being told ‘I love you’, but that does not mean that you must stop supporting them in public in all ways. While they might say that they don’t mind if you turn up at their netball match or see them in the choir performance in the local church, but championing your child remains important whatever their age. Be there. Be present and enjoy their extracurricular activities.
16. Pick your battles
It is easy to get hung up on small incidents where your pre-teen has done something they haven’t been brought up to or that upsets you. However, sometimes just a knowing look is enough to let them know that you are disappointed and would have preferred them not to behave in such a way. If you are constantly nagging and giving consequences for any time they do something inappropriate or unreasonable, this treatment will stop having any impact on them, causing you a bigger headache in the long run. Pick your battles wisely.
17. Give them a little more freedom
Loosening the reign a little when it comes to the things they watch on TV or the songs they listen to (and sing along to) openly can show your tween that you are trusting them to be a bit more grown up. They are being treated more maturely. Instead of them sneaking off to watch 15 films at a friend’s house, why not suggest watching one together? Great series include This is Us, Heart Stopper and Stranger Things, more films to watch include Films I Want My Teenagers to Watch.
18. Ask their opinion
If you are going out with friends or considering a new hairstyle, ask your tween for their opinion. It shows that you respect their views and would like to know what they think. Good communication is so important and talking about the little things helps when you need to have conversations about bigger things. Just remember that if you go against their suggestion, this could have an adverse effect.
19. Laugh together
Having a good giggle helps your body to release feel-good chemicals, and while your child is enduring puberty, you will both need those by the bucketful! Find a comedy show you both like or reminisce about things that happened in the past.
20. Try to relax
Easier said than done, for sure, but trying to relax about the situations you are faced with will help both you and your pre-teen. This is an intense period of transition for both of you, and you will undoubtedly both be trying to navigate your way through this. No one thing will help you to get through it unscathed but being anxious and uptight will certainly not help either of you. Spend time meditating or doing stretches daily. Considering three things each day that you have to be grateful for can help, too.
21. Too much screen time is likely to be a contentious issue at some point. Work out your boundaries in advance and then stick to them. Not having phones in bedrooms overnight or limiting social media is a good decision. Once your tween has started using social media, it is hard to claw it back. In my opinion, teenage girls must learn how to use it responsibly.
We don’t give 17-year-olds a car and say off you go have fun, they have lessons and tests first. I apply similar logic to phone ownership, young teenagers need to learn how to use social media responsibly so that means putting restrictions or boundaries around use.
Summary
Understanding how to deal with pre teenager attitude is challenging but we hope these tips above can help you stay connected with your tween during this stage of development. Teen attitude will still be there but now is the perfect time to build a strong foundation for the years ahead.
