Learning how to deal with an angry teenager is not easy but as parents or carers of teenagers, it is an emotion we need to understand.
The teenage years are complex. We only have to look back on our own teen years to understand that. Raging hormones, big changes, and lots of pressure. It can sometimes feel all-consuming and too much to handle, and for some teenagers, this can develop into a strong emotion and anger that they just don’t know what to do with. Having an angry teenager is very common, although, at the time, it can feel like it is only you dealing with this sort of thing.
However, while anger isn’t unusual, you do need to ensure that they can control how they feel, and as a parent, you understand how to handle things in healthy ways. Inappropriate anger and behaviour can lead to other situations and it can get out of hand. But, it is easy to understand anger in teens and also deal with an angry teenager appropriately so that everyone in the household can feel happy and content.
With that in mind, here are a few things to consider that could help you learn how to deal with an angry teenager
Understand teenage anger
It is important that you take time to understand your teen’s anger. It is very normal for a teenager to feel angry about something, and have feelings to them that can feel overwhelming. However, it is important that they understand how to cope with those feelings of anger, as there can often be a strong desire to act on those feelings which could put themselves and others in harm’s way.
The truth is, anger is a reaction, and often underneath all of that are emotions that have caused or triggered it. Feelings of frustration, unhappiness, sadness, or hurt. Understanding the main causes can help you and your teen to overcome and handle the feelings of anger more appropriately.
Many teenagers will also feel scared by the strong emotions they have and may feel out of control, this does not make them a troubled teen, it is normal and learning the best way to manage these feelings is what is important.
What happens in a teenage brain?
There is now much research on teenagers development and the brain especially and what we have learnt is life-changing for young people! It should also form us on how to deal with an angry teenager. The rational part of a teen’s brain isn’t fully developed and won’t be until age 25 or so. In fact, recent research has found that adult and teen brains work differently. Adults think with the prefrontal cortex, the brain’s rational part. … Teens process information with the amygdala, which is the flight or fight response. When a teenager is having a difficult time their natural response is to fight back or run away. I found the book The Teenage Brain really useful reading.
Fighting back is an impulse control, and whilst that does not mean you have to accept the teenager’s anger it does help us understand these angry episodes. Teenagers can act irrationally in a particular situation because they are not thinking, they are looking at how to get out of a situation, it is similar to why teenagers lie, they are led by an immediate response.
Being aware that anger isn’t actually the issue
As mentioned above, often anger isn’t actually the main issue at all. It is usually the reaction to something else. While anger can produce discomfort physically and mentally, it is usually a response to something else. So it is important to try and understand what could be causing this.
Knowing the triggers or even the situation that has caused an angry response can help you to react appropriately, or help your teen resolve an issue that they may be struggling with. In some cases, they may still not be able to verbally communicate these feelings, because it can feel too overwhelming. So responding in the right way and helping your teen to deal with angry outbursts and mood swings in a more constructive way could be the way forward.
Teen depression
As parents of teens, we need to educate ourselves on the symptoms of depression and other mental health problems, The teenage years can be a time of great upheaval, friendships change, the teen transition into adulthood, intense emotions in relationships, negativity on social media, hearts being broken, exam pressure, peer pressure to do certain things all contribute to how teens feel.
The highs and lows can be extreme in teenagers and we need to recognise if someone’s mood becomes low. For most teens, these strong emotions are a normal part of growing up, but for a small minority, this can be the warning signs of more serious mental health conditions, which should never be ignored. If you notice the low mood is lasting more than a few weeks it is time to seek professional help.
In a similar vein, if you are seeing lots of angry behavior, or signs of physical aggression it is time to escalate the interventions and get more support, this might come from a role model that the teen looks up to and wider family members. Some more serious mental health conditions do present in the later teen years, things like bipolar disorder, anxiety disorders are witnessed at this stage so do be aware.
How to respond to your teen’s anger?
As a parent, you are your child’s constant from the moment they are born, and so as a teenager, while they may act like they don’t need you, they still need you to be that constant. Even if they are struggling with their mental health and anger issues. So how you respond is essential. I found that my teenagers wanted and needed me more at this life stage, the teen’s brain is not yet equipped to deal with all that life has for them, they need help with university applications, eating well, they need you to still be fully present in their lives, but maybe from a less micro-managed way. Here are a few things to consider.
Be aware of your reaction, verbal and non-verbal
It is important to take stock of your reactions, be that verbal or non-verbal. It might be easy to snap back or get frustrated but try and avoid any angry tone in your own voice when speaking. Remain calm and respectful. Emotions can run high and it is important to understand that your teen is trying to understand themselves as well at that moment. Non-verbal reactions can be just as damaging, such as the look on your face, eye rolls, and sighs. Take a deep breath, respond in a respectful way and stay calm.
Listen
As a parent, we know how busy we can be, and often if your teenager is having angry outbursts they can often be at an inconvenient time when you are needing to concentrate on something else. Parenting is a juggle, and we have known that from day one. But the best advice is to try and stop, listen, and place all of your focus on your teen and what they are saying. This gives them the attention that they might be craving and gives you a chance to understand the situation that has caused the anger, rather than make assumptions.
The more you understand, the more you can help. I actively make sure that I put down my phone or completely stop what I am doing when my teens want to talk, they need to see that I am listening and they have my full attention. then they feel validated and important. This strengthens the communication bond.
Avoid babying your teen
Treating your teenager as a young adult rather than a young child can help to defuse the situation. A great thing to consider is to respond and talk to your teen as if they were a co-worker or an adult you have just come across. It is all about showing respect for their age, their feelings, and reactions. It is important to understand that mood swings are often part and parcel of teenage behaviour and not necessarily a mental health issue. Teen anger can often be the result of a power struggle in the home.
The teenager wants more freedoms and independence as they feel older and ready for more responsibility, as parents you need to decide your non-negotiables but also want freedoms you will give. For example, I have always been chilled about what time older teens come home, but I do expect to know where they are, and they must always let me know when plans change.
They decide what time they go to sleep and regulate that themselves, but obviously, I expect them to get up in the morning for sixth form, college or high school without fuss. If anyone is not eating dinner, I expect to be told in advance as I am not wasting food. They have part-time work and I don’t question how they spend their money. For me, it is all about negotiation and clear rules.
Lead by example
As an adult and parent, you can tell your teen exactly how you think they should behave and respond, but often actions speak louder than words. If you are mishandling your own anger such as shouting, arguing with your partner in front of your children, or generally finding situations difficult then your teen could be modelling your own behaviour. It is time to try, where possible, to lead by example, and react in a way that you hope your teen might when they find things difficult. So when you are feeling angry, deep breathing can be the best thing.
How can your teen safely express their anger?
Your reaction is important, but so is your teen’s reaction to their anger. After all, there is always a strong desire at the moment to act out on those feelings of anger, and this may not be the right approach. So here are a couple of things that you can do that will help your teen handle their anger themselves. To allow them to channel it into something more positive in the hope that they will understand the triggers and be able to cope or resolve the initial catalyst.
Physical activities
There is always a strong impulse in teens to do something physical when they have feelings of anger, so why not encourage them to channel that into physical activities instead? This might be encouraging them to join a sports team, train at the gym, or go out for a run. Physical exercise has always been amazing for mental health, and it can also be a great way to channel that anger into something positive. Consider doing a physical activity together, I often go for a run with my teens or take them climbing, even a good dog walk up a muddy hill can help manage emotions.
Punching bag
A punching bag might not be your first choice, but it can be an excellent stress reliever. Having something to physically exhort that anger onto is a great way to get it out of your system. It is a safe way to exhort those angry feelings. We need to find healthy outlets for dealing with and managing the cortisol surging through our bodies. Think about how you regulate your own behaviour in constructive ways when you are feeling angry yourself.
Time on their own
When anger escalates, your teen may benefit from time on their own. A safe space or heading to their room where they can cry, yell, or calm down on their own without the worry of people judging them or saying the wrong thing. We all manage our emotions in different ways , we are not trying to ignore those feelings but rather find a healthy way of managing them. If your teen needs to take some time, let them because following them and carrying it on may just trigger them more.
Music or creative activities can be a great outlet
Music or creative outlets are also excellent ways for your child to channel their feelings of anger into something more positive. This might be playing a musical instrument or listening to music when they are feeling upset. Creative outlets like art or writing can also be therapeutic. They could keep a diary, draw their feelings, or even start a blog online to share their passions or feelings.
Understand the triggers
It is also a good idea for your teen to spend some time understanding what triggers their anger. The more they understand what the triggers are, the more positive actions they can take to resolve them. Try to get a balance of screen-free time, many teens have too much screen time or watch and play violent video games, unfortunately, this normalises aggressive behaviour which in turn can impact normal emotion and behaviour. If we are constantly being exposed to aggression and angry outbursts individuals will think that is a normal way to behave.
What about you?
Finally, as a parent, it is never easy to deal with angry outbursts and mood swings that your teen may have. You also need to consider your own mental health. So here are a few things that you can do that could help you understand and react in a positive way.
Being aware of triggers can help you
It is a good idea to try and be aware of the triggers. Understanding what is causing your teen’s anger means that you can avoid certain situations or put things in place to help resolve things.
Encourage other outlets
If your teen is struggling, then physical activities or other outlets can help to improve the situation and allow them to channel that anger in a different way. Be proactive and help them find clubs to join or make certain things possible for them, if things allow, to enable them to pursue different things.
Understand you are allowed to feel frustrated
Don’t feel upset or annoyed with yourself for feeling frustrated and angry about the situation. This is perfectly normal. You can feel sad and frustrated towards your teen. It is important to ensure that you do this privately in your own safe space, as often it can trigger your teen to feel worse than perhaps they do already. Take time out for yourself to understand how you feel and how to cope moving forward.
You can’t pour from an empty cup
It is always good to remember that you can’t pour from an empty cup. It is impossible for you to be able to be there for your teen if you don’t feel mentally well yourself. Take time out for yourself, embrace self-care, and understand that all of those positive things for you are good for your family. Leading by example is important, and if your children understand that their mental health is essential, then they can develop good habits that will only help them in the future.
Hopefully, these tips and suggestions will help you to deal with an angry teenager.
